Right now I just wanna vent about my day. It's been a super emotional day. Not really sure why. Maybe nerves about my last day of work tomorrow. Nerves about starting the new job Monday. Anxiety about feeling like I'm falling into an accidental situationship. Not much sleep last night. Small identity crisis upon waking up. I'll elaborate.....

When I got up this morning gabby was coughing her head off, I was exhausted because I barely slept, Julian was starting one of his migraines and I just couldn't deal with life. I called out of work and tried to get some sleep. This week has been a super stressful week. I've been on edge, I've had a migraine that won't leave, I've been stress eating and I'm pretty sure if I didn't have acrylics on right now I would have destroyed my fingernails and cuticles.

Work has been super intense and it's my fault for allowing my ethics and loyalty to overpower my common sense. I've been working extra hard to leave everything "in order" before my departure. I've allowed my boss's personal struggles and indecisiveness to impact how I feel about moving forward. Luckily for me, I have Selenie. I have known from the beginning that moving to this new job is the right choice for me yet I let this weeks bullshit trick me into second guessing and almost retracting my resignation. That was one thing I tackled today.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about Julian's migraines and upcoming MRI, but I'm glad it's being handled and cared for. Lately I've felt like so much is happening and I can't keep up. Today I gave myself the day to rest, watch tv, and reflect on the past week. Needless to say it was much needed. The headache is still there but I don't feel like I'm going to implode anymore. You know how people say they need a mental health day, I think today was mine. Not gonna lie though, half the time it feels like I need a full blown solo vacation.

I think I need to make that happen for myself next year. I need to get better at cutting out "me" time. I love being a mom, and I'd do anything for these kids but sometimes it's so overwhelming and it's not so much parenting them, it's more of keeping track of schedules, having to be in 2 places at once half the time, splitting myself into 4 to TRY and spend enough time with each kid. It doesn't work and I miss having David around to help with that. He was so good with them, and when I needed time to myself or sleep, he understood. It's so crazy because he was like a robot. Nothing fazed him, he could function on no sleep, he never ever got overwhelmed. Where I panicked, he thrived. I miss that too. His ability to ground me, bring me back to reality when I spiraled.

I really need to find ways of doing that myself. Tomorrow the kids have picture day. It's 1am and I can't fall asleep. David's birthday is next week. Sunday we're going to see him. I love celebrating him. If you know anything about me, it's that I love birthdays. I love celebrating them, I love making people feel special on their day and I celebrate my own birthday all month lol. At least I used to. These days it doesn't feel like there's much to celebrate, at least not for me. For others though, I'm already planning lol. I know what gabby and Julian want to do for their birthday, I know what I want to give A for his. I think he's gonna love it, but I hesitate a little because it may be too over the top. Problem is, "over the top" doesn't exist in my vocabulary when it comes to someone I love.

Thanks for being here and keeping up with my mess, and remember "just keep swimming"🐟.....

Love,

Dory ✨