Prompt # 6

Think about the last time you cried. If those tears could talk, what would they have said?

Crying is something I've struggled with in the past and now that I've been working on myself in therapy I've learned a lot about myself and the reasons I cry.

I cried this morning because I had a bad dream. I dreamed that the man I love needed a new liver and I offered to give him part of mine, assuming we're compatible of course. I didn't get as far as knowing whether I could give him my liver or not. But I was crying heavily in my dream and woke up crying.

So what would those tears say? They would probably call me a dumbass for even considering the possibility of giving my liver to someone who doesn't truly deserve it. For shortening my lifespan to give him a longer one.

My heart (the dummy) wasn't looking at it that way. it was looking at it like this -- "I love you and it hurts me to see you like this and thinking about how much your kids would miss you, so if I can help them have their dad a little longer, then I'm gonna try."

I don't know if that makes me a good person or an idiot. Maybe a bit of both. I hope that doesn't ever happen to him. I know first hand how much grief affects children, I don't wish it on anyone.

Ironically the past few times I've cried have been man related. I'm embarrassed to admit it but it's true. After David died I cried so much that eventually it felt like I ran out of tears. I've learned recently that antidepressants block your ability to cry! That's nuts!! I've lived it, I've been so fucking sad and literally wanting to cry to release the emotions and not been physically able to.

Back in the day I used to cry over anything, David used to laugh at me for it. After I started therapy I learned it was all the stuff that was bottled in. I never let my tears out when I needed to so they always came out during awkward moments. I think back then my tears would say -- "this isn't even sad, bitch why you crying".

Then I had the most valid reason to cry and I couldn't at first, to which my tears would have said "bitch what's wrong with you". When I finally did cry, I cried for weeks on end until I ran out of tears. I didn't cry again until I experienced heartbreak.

Now here we are, crying at awkward times again and now that I can embrace my tears at appropriate times, my antidepressants block them.

Maybe someday I'll be normal........not likely tho 🥲