Prompt #1

What part of life has surprised you the most?

I would have to say motherhood, love, grief and heartbreak.

• Motherhood - it's changed my life in the best way. I love being a mom, I love watching my babies grow up, I love watching them learn new things, I love seeing their strengths develop. I love their individuality and how they interact with each other (when they're getting along). Jasmin really saved me. At 16 I knew I wanted to be the best mom I could be to her, before I got pregnant I was running amock in the streets of nyc and having her made me slow down and be better. Then I turned 18 and started wildin again and then it was jediahs turn to tell me to sit down lol. I was so depressed during my pregnancy but then I saw this little body that melted my heart and made me feel a love I never felt before. Julian came when I was in a stable place in life, however his pregnancy and delivery were the toughest. Gabby came and blew up my whole world, again I needed it. When I was pregnant with her I got laid off, found out my husband was having an affair and again I was in a bad place and depressed and then her little face came into the world and took over our lives. She's fiery, smart, sarcastic and funny asf. Each one of my kids came to me at a time where I needed them and they each remind me that they're what I live for. Quite literally they are my entire world.

• Love - I've learned so much about love in the time I've been on this earth. I've learned to love it, hate it, conceal it, pour it out, take it back, fake it, but most of all I've learned to feel it. I've learned that love isn't linear and that you don't always have to be around those you love. I've learned that sometimes you have to give up on love because the other party involved doesn't deserve your love. That's one of the things that's surprised me. That even though you love someone(family, partner, friend, anyone) sometimes you have to love them from afar. There are times where love is so beautiful and so worth anything that comes with it. Love is love 💕

• Grief - I've lost people in my life before but I never felt a death more than when my husband died. I wasn't ready for the influx of emotions that comes with grief. I wasn't ready to feel like I can never get over it. But here we are. Grief is such a complicated emotion because it's not just one emotion. It comes jam packed with crying, sadness, loneliness, pain, anger, denial and oh soo many sleepless nights. Grief is really humbling for anyone that's lost a major person in their lives. I knew it would come like with my parents and stuff but when I lost David....I just was NOT ready for what would follow.

• Heartbreak - I had never experienced true heartbreak until after David died and I had to start dating again. David broke my heart a bunch of times but that sadness always followed with anger and the anger would mask the heartbreak so it always felt more like anger and disappointment. The dating world though, is ruthless. For the first time in my life I had to truly give up someone I loved because he kept disappointing me. That pain I felt, the heartbreak, was so intense. I had never felt that way and I hope I don't feel it again. Now I'll be honest, as much as I try to give up the source of my heartbreak, it's hard as hell. I always end up caving and going back to him because even though he disappointed me, I love him and my love for him sometimes feels stronger that the disappointment.