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3.30.23

I haven't written to you in quite some time. I miss you. It's so easy for me to get used to you. I know I'm overthinking and I don't know why I feel this overwhelming disappointment. It's so ironic that you're the cause of my sadness and my happiness. Right now I just want to talk to you, I just want to see you and hug you. I want to tell you about my weekend, I want to tell you about my bartending night, I want to tell you about the other interview. Remember when I always told you about my interviews and asked for you to wish me good luck. I really believed that you gave me luck. And after my interview I just wanted to call you and share my excitement with you. I know I'm a dork but I love sharing happiness especially with those I love. And I always loved hearing "I'm proud of you" when you said it after my interviews.

I think it's so crazy that now at my age I realized that there are words worth more than I love you. "I'm proud of you", "I knew you could do it", "I trust you". I feel like I trust you kicks I love yous ass any day. Like I trust you holds so much more weight and can look at I love you like you're my bitch 😂😂😂 I'm sorry I'm really high so this is gonna be funny 😂😂

But ironically I do trust you. i have such an internal struggle with you because the things I love about you are also the things that drive me crazy and as much as I would want you to do things differently I secretly love that you don't.

I just want to share all my news with you. I want to share my happiness with you. I want you to be the guy in my corner always cheering me on. Because I'm crazy and I know it and because of this I know that I'm going to try a million things and I'm gonna challenge myself and you and our lives would be crazy and spontaneous but so good, because I feel like we could be so great together. I really do.

I always do my best writing when I write to you first, thank you for that. For the most part I feel a lot better about knowing you have someone else. It answered a lot questions I had and relieved some of the pressure I was putting on myself. I used to really beat myself up about why I wasn't good enough. I used to think "damn, everyone loves me, wtf is his problem". The reality is, I'm not the problem. Some times I have to remind myself that my worth isn't measured by how you view me

I want to have a serious heart to heart with you. I just want us to open up and bare it all. I've been really honest and open with you. About everything since the beginning. I can't turn my feelings off like a light switch. So I am trying my hardest to draw boundaries but you're giving me some crazy mixed signals. I'm sorry that I'm so much. I'm sorry that I love so hard. I'm sorry that I may not meet your expectations, but the thing about expectations is that they have to be set. Standards have to be verbalized in order for the other person to meet them. I won't ever know if I'm overstepping if there isn't a boundary drawn. I hope that makes sense.