Aha moment

Lately I've been feeling so many emotions. I'm trying to figure out what they are. Or not what they are but why they feel the way the do. Make sense? Probably not, it is me after all.

Right now I feel an intense anger towards everyone. Lately I've found myself struggling to care. It's like I have tunnel vision, a hyper fixation on 3 specific things. I've been focused of legalizing and building my company, helping my kids thrive and be happy and healthy, and my new federal job.

• fun fact - I'm the first in my mothers family to own a business. 🧿🧿🧿

I've always wanted to leave a legacy. I've always wanted to do something so great or so helpful or impactful that it matters for years to come. I want to leave my kids a legacy. I want them to think back and recognize how hard I worked for them. I hope they inherit my work ethic. I hope they have big dreams too.

(This entry might be a little all over the place and a little messy)

I am finding myself in a strange place. Somewhere I've never been before emotionally. I only care about me. What is directly affecting me. I feel myself evolving, I feel myself changing, I feel myself growing in ways I had disregarded before. It's giving me a lot of anxiety.

My main focus for the past 2 months has been starting the new job, starting the business and trying to pull in clientele and the kids. The kids are doing great in school. Less tantrums. (Knock on wood) Money has been really tight, I even had to borrow and you know I don't borrow. I hate knowing that I owe people money....usually. But I'm not even stressing it and not because I'm not paying back but because I know I will pay them back.

I'm having conflicting emotions about this Ed situation. Part of me is dismissive and like whatever it's not a big deal leave me alone. The other part of me questions how much loyalty do I really owe Mae? I'm really trying to dig deep and find that apology that my brain is telling me that I owe, my heart doesn't feel anything though. I really don't care enough to be sorry. I'm not saying I'm not wrong I'm just saying I know I'm wrong but I don't care because to me it really isn't a priority.

The entire situation is so unlike me. It makes me wonder if I was having a moment of weakness and I allowed it because everything else felt like shit. I don't have answers and that gives me anxiety. It gives me more anxiety that I don't care.

Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable.

As anxious as I get every day, I actually like it. I like that I'm standing up for myself without feeling guilty. I like that I'm finally thinking about me and everything else is background noise. I'm finally being selfish and loving it! Guilt free.

I'm learning a lot about myself. It's almost like I'm just now growing up. I wonder if the lack of sex is clearing up the fog.

Maybe it's time to let go of Vanessa and welcome Dory. I feel proud of myself. Like really and truly. For the first time I feel so confident its borderline conceited. For the first time I have so much hope and faith in myself and I feel it in my gut that I am going to be ok. Finally.