Better days….

I've come such a long way from the way I felt last June. Those first few months without Dave were really hard. I tried to drown myself with work and just keep pushing almost pretending like life was normal. I didn't want to be sad, I didn't want people to pity me, I wanted everyone to see me as the same Vanessa I always was. But that was impossible. Eventually it caught up with me. After 2 months or so of hiding what I felt, of pretending, of being strong, I broke.

I quite literally broke, emotionally and even physically. I started having panic attacks, depression took over and I became a version of me I didn't even recognize. I felt so broken, so lost, there was no light at the end of my tunnel. I couldn't work, I couldn't cook, I couldn't clean, I could barely parent. I cried most of the day, I laid in bed most of the day, my tv would watch me. I don't really know how long that lasted, but I'm glad it's over.

Eventually the kids and I started a grief program at Adam's House. Adam's House was a God send. As was my therapist, Neena. Both helped me tremendously. Helped me grieve, helped me function, helped me heal. Adam's House is an 8 week program, I loved it so much. I cried, I laughed, I learned so much about myself. It helped the kids a lot too. I loved the dynamic of how they set up the place. They separated us by age group, parents together, the littles (up to age 8) in one room, the middles (9-12) in another and then the teens. I liked the separation because we all had people in our group that we could relate to. People that understood our pain, our grief because they lost someone too. They knew what it was like.

If you've ever lost anyone then you know finding people who truly understand you and how you feel can be tough. Most people don't really know what you're going through and they try to understand but they just don't. Which in turn makes you retreat and seclude and just increases your depression because grief is an unexplainable feeling. until you've felt it, you can't really understand it.

Neena, I owe her so much. I'm so sad she left the practice because finding a therapist that works and that you get along with and that actually helps is hard. I looked forward to my sessions with her, it always felt like I was just talking to a good friend. I miss her. By the time I stopped seeing her I was in such a good place and very grateful that we had crossed paths. I know it's unlikely that she'll come across this blog entry but, if you do, thank you.

It's been almost 19 months since David died. In this time, I have grieved, I've been so depressed that I didn't think I'd get out, I've had so many panic attacks that I can't even count, found a therapist and lost her, switched jobs 3 times, I've dated, I've been ghosted, I've been stood up, I've experienced a level of stress and overwhelmed that I didn't think it was even possible. It's been a super rollercoaster of emotions.

Where am I now?

I miss David tremendously, especially on the days that the kids miss him, and on the days I have things to share, and on the days the kids have things going on like games, school meetings, or if they get a certificate or when they learn something new that they wish they could share with him. Even though I still have my bouts of grief, depression and anxiety, they're not as frequent and they're not as severe.

Some days I'm insanely happy. Some days I'm incredibly overwhelmed. Some days I just get by. Some days are just average. I'm currently seeing someone who I really like, y'all are gonna get tired of me talking about my Angel 😍, but he's worth mentioning. I love my time with him, all the bad goes away. I finally have a job that I loooove. I have this blog that serves me as a hobby, and writing is my passion, and it's also a little like therapy.

I've learned to be more patient with myself, i guess overall I'm in a better place now...