Bravery…

I'm so fucking tired of being brave.

Tired of being strong.

Tired of loving people too much.

Tired of always being there when others need me.

Tired of being so giving.

Tired of being nice.

Just so fucking tired of everything.

Life has "fucked me in the ass with no grease" as Dave would say, too many times.

What do you do when you just wanna throw your hands up and give in to the bullshit because it's easier?

What to do when you don't like your life anymore?

What to do when you don't recognize yourself anymore?

What can I do to have a tiny remnant of what my life used to be?

I'm tired of being responsible.

I'm tired of mothering.

I'm tired of loving.

I'm tired of just existing.

Do you know how exhausting it is to always pretend to be ok?

Do you know how hard it is to validate my own emotions because I have so much responsibility and 4 little lives who depend on me.

They deserve the very best version of myself.

As of late, I feel like I'm not giving them that and it's not fair to them.

I just want the freedom of falling apart.

I want to be able to seclude myself for a few days cry out the bullshit and not have to be responsible for anything other than getting better.

How can I get that?

Is it possible to envy someone else's depression?

To envy the way they can fall apart freely and recover.

When is it going to be my turn?

Who's going to help me recover?

Who's going to cook and clean so I can cry and find my way back to myself?

Who's going to make sure the kids go to bed on time and get up on time and go to school, while I try to catch up on sleep, after not sleeping for weeks at a time?

Who's going to look after them while I finish having a panic attack?

Who helps the helper?

Who cares for the caring?

Who fixes the fixer?

Who loves the unlovable?

Who?