Chaos within the storm…

My life can get pretty chaotic, just in general. When you add grief, heartbreak, anxiety and depression to it, you get full blown chaos in the midst of a storm. Can you imagine that, personalize it? I picture it like the storms within the storms in the movie The Day After Tomorrow. Like this massive tornado ripping everything apart while at the same time there's a lightning storm lighting its way and a hurricane backing it up. It almost feels hopeless but then you remember it can't possibly last forever.

I feel like I'm always going through something, There is always something adding stress, something adding sadness, and chaos into my day to day. My life feels like one giant storm that I'm actively trying to survive every day. That "one day at a time" thing definitely lives here on a permanent basis.

How do I navigate my storm?

Truth is, I'm not even sure. I just do. I don't have the wiggle room to just succumb into the chaos. I have no choice but to be a highly functioning anxious person. I have kids. I have things to do, I have to work, kids have activities, bills have to get paid, laundry has to get done, dinner has to be cooked, there is no room for me to just stay stuck in a nonproductive state. at work I'm a perfectionist. There's no room for failure in my professional life. I know it's a lot of pressure to put on myself, but it's how I'm built.

I've lived a life of survival. It's all I've ever known. My struggles have been and still are mine. What I consider difficult and survival may be different than what you consider those things.

If i'm being honest, it's exhausting. I'm tired of just surviving, I want to start living. I want to be happy with the choices I make. I crave stability. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning and wasting my energy on those who don't deserve it. Work included. We've established that I love my job, but as much as I love my work and what I do and feeling like I'm making a difference in these people's lives, it's extremely difficult to constantly get it right.

I love who I am, and I've always lived under the philosophy that I will NOT allow my chaos and hardships to change the way I view the world. I believe in kindness, I believe in love, I want my children to grow up believing in those things too. I like to see the good in people even when they show me different because, as ugly as the world is, there is still beauty and love within the chaos.

Sometimes I need a reminder that it's not all shit.

Flowers remind me,

My kids happiness reminds me,

The moon reminds me,

Sunrises and sunsets remind me,

Writing reminds me,

Good/Real friendships remind me,

Love for the little things remind me.

If you're having a tough day and needed a reminder, here it is darling,

life is beautiful, love is beautiful, even when it's hard,

storms can be beautiful too, and the most beautiful part of a storm is seeing the chaos dissipate and remembering that the storm won't last forever, it never does.

Stay strong, learn to let go and wait for your rainbow.

Love always,

Dory ✨