Comfortable with being uncomfortable…..

In my 35 years on this earth I have gone through many emotions, hardships, and bullshit all around. But one thing I learn as I get older (fuck you if you think I'm old) is that we MUST do things outside of our comfort zone. I guess in a way I've always felt this way but for so long I lived in a little safety bubble with my husband, where routine was the way to go. It was just safer and dependable.

Since he's been gone I've done a lot of things that push me outside of my comfort zone and while some of it may trigger my anxiety, I put my big girl panties on and thug that shit out. I firmly believe that there's no reward without risk. You absolutely HAVE to try new things or else how would you know that your tastes are changing? How do you know if you like or hate something unless you try it?

I love trying new shit. I love doing new things. I am a very much "do ANYTHING once" kind of person. Shit maybe even twice. The sucker in me throroughly believes in second chances, even on the fuck shit. What can I say? I wouldn't be me if I wasn't like this, and I absolutely, grandly, and proudly looooove who I am. I love the person I've become. I love the way I see the world. I wish more people were like me lol.

Have you ever wanted to try something so bad but your anxiety and fear held you back? If you sit down right now and evaluate the situation, in a calm state of mind, out of the perceived "danger", would you still be afraid? Can you sit down and break down the reason you fear this particular thing? If you're able to do this, you've already won my friend. Because once you pull that thing apart and realize the weaknesses in that thing you want to try, trust me, it's not scary at all.

You know that old expression, face your fears? I try to push myself through this fear boundary that my brain sets up for me. My biggest fear now that I know loss, is losing someone I love. Especially, my kids or parents (which yes I know it's inevitable), close friends and whoever I love romantically. That last one I consider an irrational fear based on past trauma. I'm terrified of falling in love and then losing that person like I did Dave. It gives getting the rug pulled out from under you. However, I don't let that stop me from loving. Love is such an amazing and rewarding feeling all in itself that it almost becomes "good outweighs the bad" type of scenario.

Another fear I unlocked was moving on. I was the type of person to stick around through thick and thin out of loyalty and comfort. I'm no longer that person. I've learned to be a little selfish because the way I used to be led me to constantly being let down and people taking advantage of me. In the last 2 years I've had like 4 jobs, I've dated and ghosted guys because I didn't like something minuscule lol. I apologize if they got hurt but I'm not sorry for protecting myself. I'm talking, breathe wrong and I'm out type of shit.

The one guy that stuck is my biggest challenge, homie is locked up like the Declaration of Independence. I like to think I'm breaking through from time to time. He thinks he's hard to love but the secret to loving people who are hard to love is, *drumroll* .....love them anyway. Be there for them anyway. As long as you are not self destructing in the process, showing someone love, in any capacity (friend, partner, sibling, etc) makes YOU feel good. Puts you at ease and gives peace of mind.

Back to those 4 jobs, I left my original job because I hated how every time my boss or other coworkers would see me they gave me that sympathetic look and every conversation started with "so how are you, how are the kids holding up?" That fucking question with that sad head tilt drove me bonkers. One day I said fuck this and gave my notice. About a month later I started some new job, I was there 2 weeks and I quit on the spot. I hated that place, only good thing that came out of it was my friend Addie ❤️. It was the first time in my life I had ever quit a job on the spot and I did not regret that at all. I just couldn't go back there, it was messsyyyyyyyy. So here I was unemployed, raising 4 humans, grieving my husband, broke, stressed, depressed and with an exceedingly rising level of anxiety.

The job that came after that I actually liked. The problem was it was overnight and I never actually got used to the whole shift in schedule. I was tired all the time and it just sucked. My favorite part of that job was that I worked in a maternity ward and got to see babies every day. I also found some really good people that shared my love of reading so we would discuss books and share lists of things to read. It was sad when I left them but a lot was going on personally and I just had to leave.

Now here we are at my current job, I love love love my job. I love my boss, our recruiter and our clients and field staff are soooooo good. It's a rewarding job and they remind me of it almost daily. I love feeling like I made a difference in their lives and I was able to help in some way. BUT, even though I love it here so much, it's a lot of stress, I'm always unofficially on call, and recently I was made an offer at another company I just couldn't refuse. Nobody is happy that I'm leaving, a lot of people have cried, one of the girls sent me edible arrangements. Needless to say this is a bittersweet parting.

I'm terrified of what this new job will hold for me, I pray to have made the right decision. But, as scared as I am and anxious, I'm also excited to learn something new, meet new people and be the best me I can be at a new place.

Moral of the story, always be you, try things out of your comfort zone, if you don't leave your comfort zone you'll miss out on so much. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable so that you can truly enjoy every bit of life in you.

Much love ❤️

Dory✨