Dear Dave,

I've been thinking about you way too much recently. I can't seem to get you out of my head. I have this influx of emotions and i can't place them.

I sit here once again thinking about how much I miss you. How I miss the little things, the little details that I loved about you. Last night I was talking to Rich and he asked me such a simple question. But that simple question threw me into a spiral and required critical thinking for an answer. His question was, "what do you miss about him?"

At first I thought of the generic answers and as I began to type them I realized that wasn't it. My response was,

"If he was here right now we would be sitting on the couch watching something, my head on his lap and him rubbing my belly to ease the cramps. Before getting so comfortable he'd be offering me my heating blanket and an actual blanket along with drinks and snacks. Chocolate always on deck, he would take care of everything on those painful days so I just rested. I miss that. The small stuff the stuff that is almost insignificant "

I'm starting to miss those small things more and more each day. I always end up asking myself, "how did I get here". How did this become my life and why did it have to happen to us. Why us? I'll always be mad at that question because I won't ever have an answer for it. At least not a satisfactory one. When it comes to grief, that "things happen for a reason" bullshit just makes people angry. It's the last thing we want to hear because what possible reason could the universe or God have to take away someone you love. To leave little children semi-orphaned?

WHAT IS THE REASON?????

During my grief journey I've been mad at God. I get mad on and off because I just cannot understand why he would leave me like this. Alone, stressed, feeling lonely and like a failure because my world gets too much for me to handle. I look forward to better, to healing and to peace.

I fucking miss you hunny bee 🐝