Dear Dave,

6.28.23

I miss you. There are days where I miss you so much, where it feels like this overwhelming grief. Right now it feels like one of those days. Oh baby, I really don't know what I'm going to do without you. How I'm going to raise these kids without you. How I'm going to provide for them without you. I know you see it, I know you see we're barely making it. But I guess I should focus on the part where we ARE making it and not the part where I don't know how the rest of the month is going to go.

Boy what I wouldn't give just for one more day with you. I miss having a partner to share the kids with. If you were here I wouldn't be doing all the running around to therapy sessions with them. They wouldn't need the damn therapy.

Right now I'm feeling vulnerable. I feel overwhelmed, like I'm in a dark tunnel and I can't see the way out. I have so much to share with you but I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get it out. I know that I'll always grieve you because no matter who I love after you, they just won't be you.

• the kids are back. I'm so glad they're here. I missed them so much. They came home complaining about how mami drove them crazy. Especially yaya. I can only imagine. They also shared that she yelled at my dad a lot. I guess reality really sunk in when she met my new brother.

• I'm a financial mess. I miss your math skills and your ability to pull me out of the abyss when I start spiraling.

• Yaya is still upset with me, it's killing me. You know how much I love that boy.

• Tomorrow Haydee and I have the live show. I'm not sure if I mentioned it to you yet, so I'll share. I'm nervous but I'm sure it'll be fine. I keep telling myself that. Anyway, we collaborated with another podcast and they liked us so much that they offered us the opportunity to open for them. It's actually really flattering.

• Jas is here with her friends, I'm glad she's having a good time. She's been sad over a boy. I don't remember if I mentioned him to you yet. His name is Angel, I think he's a good kid but he's kind of old school and too controlling for my liking. He broke up with her. Babe, she cried and she came home for comfort and I hated seeing her that way. Her first real heartbreak. I guess we all go through it at some point, I tried to advise her as best I could. I know she'll be fine but it's the right now that sucks.

And yea, that about sums it up. I miss laughing with you. Talking shit and acting like big ass kids. I miss you as my partner, I miss you as my coparent, I miss the way we had sex, I miss our interactions, our love, our conversations, most of all I miss our friendship. You really were my best friend. When I lost you, I lost multiple people at the same time. I know that I'll always grieve you because no matter who I love after you, they just won't be you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I will always love you.