Dear Dave,

Hi baby!!! It's been a while since I've written to you and so much has happened. It's 8.21.23, yaya is turning 16 on Sunday. It's so crazyyyyy!!! I made his dmv appointment and they gave us your birthday as the date of the written test. It's so special. Give him luck baby. It's so hard for me to watch him grow up, did I tell you he shaves now!!! He's turning out to be such a great little man.

He's become so responsible and grown so much overall. We did good with that one. I'm so proud of him. Soon he's gonna be looking at colleges and the day he leaves home, I don't know how I'm gonna live without my monkey. Awww the bitter-sweetness of parenting.

I've been thinking about you a whole lot lately. Sometimes it's moments like now that make me feel like I miss you more than ever. I don't know which direction to go. You were the best to ever do it babe, I'm never gonna find someone like you again.

Sometimes I don't even want anyone and whoever I meet won't matter much because of the kids. I think that might be why I like Angel so much. With him it's so easy to give each other space. As frustrated as I get sometimes I still haven't met anyone who even comes close to giving me what I need. Because even though I want more from him I also don't want things to change. I know I make no sense but I have such a soft spot for him, just like I did with you. I can forgive him endlessly because of how much I love him, just like I always did with you. It's funny because I never saw any similarities between the two of you and now I see it.

Was Edmund wrong?

That's my more though, even when I hate him I love him lol. It's so love/hate and toxic between us but boy I'd give up anything for that man. Lately I keep joking around about how delusional I am especially with him. Because either I'm super mega delusional or he's changed a little. I love when he's sweet, I love when he's firm and demanding, I love when he allows himself to have fun, I love it when he opens up even when it's just a little. I love his eyes, his smile, his arms, his voice, that little birthmark on his neck, I just love everything.

Kind of weird to be talking to you about him. It's also relieving. I like to think that even if we had ever broken up we could have been good friends. After all the bullshit and the spite and the pettiness. It was gonna take us a while but I know eventually we would have figured it out. I love when I do these entries because sometimes it feels like we're texting. Like you answer my questions without having to actually answer them. Like a secret language lol.

Oh babe, never ever ever did I think I'd lose you like this and so soon. Makes me sad for all the memories we missed and all the ones you won't be here for. I was looking at cruises and when I selected 5 people i realized that all of our family vacations from now on are gonna be just me and them. I won't have a partner to act childish with. The anxiety of that loneliness almost makes me not want to go. It's gonna be such a crazy realization when it actually happens. It's gonna take a while and a few trips for me to not feel that way. I recently decided to not let fear hold me back. I got a daith piercing(big deal for me). I push myself when I'm feeling like anxiety is kicking in and trying to deter me.

I almost gave up the job at the VA hospital because of fear. I'm going for my employee health physical Friday, also getting fingerprinted. A lot of things are changing for me this fall and the anxiety tries to hold me back so I decided to just keep going and not let it. Here's that question again.....how delusional am I really? Pretty fucking delusional if you ask me lmaooo.

I made a new good friend his name is Carlos. He wants more, I've always friend zoned him but I don't know lately I think it might be changing or it could be my brain distracting me from my own emotions. I've been really honest with him though. He knows about you, Angel, all the crap I've been through. He's ok with being friends, for now I guess. But it's all I can offer him right now without hurting him. You know how I am, cuentas claras, siempre!!

I miss you honey bee 🐝

I love youuuuu 💋