Dear Dave,

I dreamed with you last night. Thanks for visiting, I guess you felt that I needed you so you came to me. In my dream I told you that Becca's mom died and that I was going to pay my respects on Saturday. You seemed so understanding, even though Becca and I have drifted apart, I still have so much love for her.

I don't know that I'm ready to deal with another death but I feel the need to support her. In my dream I kept having to pee and I couldn't find a suitable bathroom. I guess because I actually had to pee, thank god I didn't pee on myself (like it's happened in the past) you know that better than anyone.

The past 2 days I've stayed home sick because, 1- I really don't feel and 2- mentally I just can't deal. I've been in my feelings and emotions more than ever because of the miscarriage. I know it's what's best but boy it still hurts. I'm too damn emotional sometimes. Lately definitely. Baby I miss you so much. Every time I feel the need to vent to you and you're not here I just feel this deep hole in my chest. I wonder when it's gonna go away if ever. It's such a hard realization that you're gone. It makes things so hard for me.

While in Costa Rica I had this conversation with Selenie. She asked me if it's going away and I told her I don't think it ever will. If anything, it's getting worse. Because truthfully it is. Before when I missed you it was almost like denial, it was pain, grief, sadness and anger all balled into one. Now, every time I miss you that truth and sadness hits me like a ton of bricks. It forces me to accept the new reality. You're gone, and you're not coming back. I have to deal with it, which creates sadness and then it's followed by anger.

If you were here you'd kill me for the picture I decided to add to this entry. But I love it. It's one of my fondest memories. This picture was taken so many years ago when we were just dating. It was our first weekend away together. Or first "baecation". I don't remember where we went, I think ac or Foxwoods, I took this picture as a funny memory and it serves that purpose beautifully. No matter what I feel like you'll always be my person, my favorite person.

I love you honey bee 🐝