Dear Dave,

“I was just fuckin' them girls, I was gon' get right back” —— Song Cry - Jay-Z

You used to love teasing me with this line every time it came on. I wanted to punch you in the face every time. I knew it was a joke, but I didn’t play about you. You were MY babe!! I was not sharing you unless it was in accordance with our agreement lol.

I miss you so much. I’ve been in a really dark place lately. It almost feels like standing in quicksand. Struggling to get out but instead just sinking faster. It feels like that 2021 summer where everything broke and I had to dig my way out of the muck.

I’m not writing much these days. I miss it, but I think I’ve lost the courage that kept me from not giving a fuck about the opinion of others. Guess it comes with the depression that lingers. It brings a heavy hand of guilt, shame, and self doubt. I’m working on it though.

I miss having sex with you. You knew my body like nobody else. I miss your kisses and your touch and the way I shivered every time I came. Nobody does that.

I just hate that you’re gone. I hate what it’s done to me. I hate who your absence has turned me into. I hate this feeling of loneliness and loss. I hate how lost I feel. I know things will get better but when?

When is life going to feel somewhat normal again?

I’m tired of faking happiness. I’m tired of faking that I’m ok when I’m falling apart. I hate that I’ve lost the bravery that held me together. I even hate that it’s becoming harder to hide how fucked up I am. How broken I am. It’s becoming hard to be vulnerable. It’s getting hard to talk. To vent. To release the knot in the back of my throat.

By the way Becca gained her wings this week. You know how I felt about her. It makes me sad that I haven’t seen her in a while but I’m going to say my goodbyes tomorrow. It’s tough you know. Dealing with death again after you, it’s really hard now. I hope you guys see each other at least in passing. Welcome her and help her find her way. Maybe I’ll dream with both of you some day.

Anyway, back to Jay-Z. His music will always remind me of you. I know he was your favorite. Remember the concert at MSG? That was so great. It was my very first concert. The first time I felt that high of excitement and glee. You know how I looooove concerts. I enjoy them to the max. Omg remember global citizen? When cardi b came on? How crazy I got 😂😂😂 I’m a whole vibe at a concert when it’s someone I really like.

I’m a whole vibe most of the time. I know this! Why does it get so hard for me to see that dopeness in myself? I am truly my own worst enemy. My worst critic. Nobody is harder on me than me. Perhaps one day I’ll figure out how to be kinder to me.

I don’t even know what to write anymore. Mean writers block. For a long time Angel was kind of my muse. Even when I was writing to you it was always easier when Angel was part of my life. Now it’s all broken and he’s gone, you’re gone and so is my motivation, my creativity and my confidence.

Until next time honey bee 🐝

I love youuuuuuu

I miss the fuck out of you