Dear Dave,

2 years 😔

Of loneliness

Of heartbreak

Of trying to piece my life back together

Happy Valentine's Day my love ❤️

Today was a rollercoaster of emotions.

I started this entry on Valentine's Day. I needed to talk to you but all I could muster up were those 2 crappy lines. Julian was so sad that day and it killed me because it was his birthday and you know how I feel about birthdays. Both him and jediah were in a funk and it kind of spread. Tossed me into a full blown depression episode. I spiraled from there. Right now I'm functioning at maybe 25% capacity.

Today makes 2 years that I lost you. 2 years that you took your last breath. 2 years since that horrific night that traumatized us all. So much has happened in these 2 years. I haven't really felt like myself this whole time. The only time I was starting to feel somewhat normal was when I was seeing Angel and I was falling in love and life felt like nothing but butterflies and rainbows. That's over now, he wasn't exactly who I thought he was. Love is still there but I don't know if it'll ever be the same.

I fucking miss you terribly. Most of the time I don't know what leg I'm standing on. I'm a mess. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I just don't feel good anymore. Most of the time I feel broken. Like I'm not doing anything right. Like nothing even matters anymore. I just want to be me again. I started therapy again. Her name is Alexa and it went pretty well, I hope she's like Neena. Even though I've only seen her once she's already super supportive. She talked me off the ledge when mom was driving me crazy.

Oh hunny bee, I'd give anything just to talk to you. To see you again, to hold your hand, for you to make me mad again only to make it go away with hugs and kisses. We were such a good team.

I hate this stupid month. It just brings back a million bad memories. A million negative feelings, depression, anxiety. Just nothing good. March gave you to me and March took you away.

I miss you telling me how much you like my curly hair. I miss you spanking me randomly while I do housework. I miss spontaneous breakfasts in bed on Saturday morning with all the kids on the bed watching something or other. I miss our bond. I miss their bond with you. I miss your jokes and sometimes even your judgyness. I miss our family movie nights when you always made fresh popcorn. I miss our family game nights when we would all get so competitive but you and yaya always beat the rest of us. I miss the days when gabby rubbed your ear and sucked her thumb to fall asleep. I wish you would have had the chance to watch Julian and Gabby play baseball. Gabby hits better but don't tell chunka lol. I miss our inside jokes. I miss our late night talks about everything. I miss how we would always dream together of what our future would look like. How we'd sit and discuss what we would do once the kids were out of the house. We'd always joke that it's gonna be great and we're gonna have so much sex, but the truth is we'd miss them so freaking much. Now that Jas isn't here I can tell you first hand, it's hard af and I miss her so much. We've gotten closer since she moved out tho and I wouldn't trade that bond we have now for anything.

March 9th

I will always hate this day. And here we are, this particular day is literally just starting and I'm kind of terrified. I'm terrified of more things going wrong. I feel like I live in 2 different places. I'm either numb and don't give a fuck about anything, or I'm anxious and scared and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I look forward to being happy and in peace and free from all this fear and sadness and anxiety. Please look after our babies, they need your guidance.

You know Gabby asked me the other day if I'm going to remarry, she said she's tired of not having a dad. Do you have any idea how that broke me? Especially as depressed as I've already been lately. I couldn't even explain to her that even if I remarry this new person isn't gonna be a dad. I don't know. I just hope that I can be enough to fill both of our roles. You know I try my hardest when it comes to them.

Oh and Happy Anniversary my love ♥️

March 20th we would have made 17 years, what a feat right.

I'm really glad I picked this poem for your card instead of an old biblical verse nobody really cares about. I like that I did that differently for you. I hope you like it too.

Remember me in quiet days while raindrops whisper on your pane Remember in your memories have no grief, let the joy we knew remain. Remember me if once you wake to catch a glimpse of red sunrise. Remember when your thoughts do turn to me know that I would not have you cry but live for me, and laugh for me. When you are happy so am I. Remember an old joke we shared. Remember me when spring walks by. Think once of me when you are glad. And while you live, I shall not die!

I hope you're at peace. I hope we're making you proud. We love you and miss you terribly.