Dear Dave.....its 320 again 🐝

3.19.2024

Lots of feelings today.

Gratitude at the top of the list.

I’m grateful for this day God gave me. I’m thankful for spring. For having a job that I like. For the kids being in good health. For my strength and my ability to keep pushing through all the bullshit.

I feel sadness because I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. I’m grateful that even though I'm broken, I can continue to push through until I’m over the hurdle.

Dear Dave,

For the past few weeks, I’ve been slowly sinking into a depression. I’ve been obsessing over you and looking for any sign that you're around. I’m still struggling with the why of things. The why that brings me so much anger and sadness.

My life just keeps getting more and more complicated with each passing day. I still long for the day where I feel ok. Where I don’t destroy my nails and cuticles due to my anxiety. Where I can purposely have a good day.

I miss having good days. Even when I was a mess before, at least I had you to help ground me. I hate asking this but why the fuck did this happen to us ☹

Why me, why you, why our family, why our kids. Why did this have to happen and destroy us internally.

For the past three years I’ve asked myself this question over and over. Three years ago, I couldn’t process or comprehend what was happening to us. Now, I just feel like how do I remediate this? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want my kids to hurt anymore. I don’t want the yearly bout of depression that comes every February and disrupts my life every March.

I wonder if I’m being delusional when I feel you near me. When I see small things that I could swear were placed there by you. When I see all the angel numbers, is it you? Are you visiting? Are you leaving me signs that you’re ok? Are you letting me know you really are here watching over us?

Every time I think that I won’t see you again, I get so angry. When I realize that I can’t ever hold a real conversation with you I feel overwhelmingly sad. Even though I fell in love with someone else, you’re still the love of my life. Even though we had a rocky marriage, I’ve never been as open and free to be myself with anyone else. You really were my best friend and maybe that’s the part I miss the most. Telling you everything. Laughing together in bed after the kids went to bed. Feeling your arms around me. Playing with your chest hair or your actual hair. We made some beautiful memories. We made some beautiful kids. We started a beautiful family and carrying this beautiful family on my own is really hard.

I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to give up. How often I stare at your pictures and its like I almost wish you could smile back. I wish you’d be here to wipe the tears and hold me on those days that I need you to. I wish I could look at you and you smile at me the way only you did. Look at me the way you did. Love me the way you did. Baby I need your help. I need your guidance; our kids need your guidance. They need your presence, your love, your teachings. Our boys need you as they get to know themselves and grow into young men. Raising men is hard, I see it now. Especially in this world where the girls are becoming stronger and more aggressive than the boys. A world where everything is so easy that people aren’t willing to work hard for what they want or even what they need. I wish you were here to help me guide them and teach them the value of hard work. To show them that life will knock you down but its our job to not let life keep us down. You were an excellent father. I really miss that for our kids.

While I want them to have a father figure in their lives, I know no one is going to be able to replace you or their memories of you. I try to tread carefully with my personal life, because I refuse to cause any more emotional trauma or damage to our kids. I know they aren’t ready to see me with someone else full time, at least I know the boys aren’t. I try to respect that without compromising my own happiness too much. Finding a balance is tough. The most certain thing I know, is that I will love you until the end of time. And I really hope to reunite when I come meet you. I look forward to seeing you waiting for me with a peaceful look in your eyes. Waiting to hold my hand again for all eternity.

Happy anniversary honey bee <3

Today is March 20th, 2024. In a perfect world, you and I would be celebrating our 18th anniversary. You’d probably buy me flowers, or we’d go to Cibus, or we would do nothing because it’s a regular ass Wednesday. But knowing us, we would make something happen. I love you too much to let the day go by and not celebrate something.

My life has changed so much since you left. This day though, will always mean the world to me.

320 is our day, its our number, its our thing. Noone can ever take that away from me.

I dressed up for you today. I washed my hair and shaved my legs and wore a dress and I’m attempting to make myself feel better because every 320 I will celebrate on my own from now on. I will celebrate it forever babe. It will always be our date.

I’ve been struggling to write this “Dear Dave” entry. There are just too many feelings, too many ongoing emotions, too much on my mind. I guess thinking too much, handling too much and maybe even daydreaming quite a bit too. I really wish I had more videos of us. That I could replay your voice over and over and pretend to be in that moment every time.

While I’m here I might as well tell you that I decided to gift myself a trip to Iceland to see the northern lights. I’m super excited about it. I would like for it to be a solo trip because I wanted to make this trip with you. But pricing might make me ask someone to come with me. I’d love to take Sam, she’s the perfect adventurer to bring along, but I know it’s not going to happen.

I want to make our dreams come true. I owe you that. You made many of mine come true, I’d like to continue creating memories and even though you won’t be there in person, I know you’ll be there with me regardless. We had so many plans, I don’t want to give up on them because they’re our dreams! If I can make any of them happen, I’d like to try.

My favorite thing we had planned was to grow old and gray together. Damn Dave, I really loved you. I hate that you left me all alone. I hate that I can’t share certain joys with you. I hate that our boys don’t have you around to ask questions. To learn from you.

Now I wish we didn’t have such a big gap between the big kids and the little ones because that gap just means they got robbed of more time with you. Robbed of more memories and teachable moments with you.

I’d give anything to talk to you again. To have one good long conversation with you. I’d give anything to not feel so broken due to your absence. I’d give anything to run my fingers through your hair, to trace our initials on your chest while we lay in bed together watching whatever show we’re into at the moment.

I miss that too. I miss watching our shows, I miss our family nights. I try to recreate them but they’re not the same and I’m usually too tired or too depressed to organize them. I know I need to do better. Its not fair to the kids. They shouldn’t miss out because of my topsy turvy emotional health.

Dave you are and always will be the love of my life. I feel like we took so many things for granted in the past and now I am truly understanding what those things are.  It’s ironic that I even miss the things about you that drove me crazy.

There aren’t enough ways for me to explain to you how much I miss you. How much I hate that you’re gone. How I hate grieving you. How I hate the emphasis my brain has put on mortality now. I fear losing more people that I love. I fear dying now, because if I go too, our kids won’t have anyone. And I’m kind of mad at your family because they aren’t present. They became Christmas and birthdays relatives. I understand your mom and I feel so bad every time I have to cancel on her because we have other things come up. Your siblings suck though. I wish they’d be more involved. That they would pick them up and spend time with them from time to time so the boys can feel you closer, so that gabby doesn’t forget her memories with you or of you. So that the kids can have male figures in their life, and I won’t feel so helpless and clueless because I can’t teach them what you normally would. Or so they won’t feel so abandoned.

I guess its too much to ask. It makes me wish I had brothers. I know if I did, they wouldn’t be so detached. Babe, I try to believe that “everything happens for a reason” thing that people say, but I just don’t see it. I can’t accept it. I’m sorry if my stubbornness and ignorance are interfering with you passage to the beyond lol but I really struggle with accepting that this is my new reality. No matter what I tell myself, no matter what I do, no matter what anyone says or does. It’s been nearly impossible to accept this. I hope one day this burden is easier to carry. I hope that I can fill both parental roles and that my babies don’t feel as helpless or clueless as I do. I hope they inherit your wit, your intelligence. Even though I’m smarter lol. You’re more practical, you had better control over emotions and situations. I kind of always envied that. I hope they inherit my strength, my kindness, and my honesty.   

We have great kids’ babe. If we ever did anything right, it was having them together. I’m glad they’re yours. I’m glad I’m yours. I’m grateful for the experiences I had with you. For the things I learned from you. Thankful for the memories we made and the daydreams we dreamed together. So incredibly thankful for all the love we shared. Even when we fought. I’m so happy that you never let me go to bed angry, that you kissed me goodnight even when I was being a pest.  

Thank you for being mine. Thank you for being the best daddy. Thank you for helping me grow up.

The last anniversary we celebrated was so special. I'm so glad I did it because if not, I'd be regretting it now. I hope one day someone can create something as beautiful as I did for you.

I love you infinitely my love. I miss you 😢

Happy 18th anniversary to us hunny bee 🐝