fixer-upper boyfriends?….

I always fall in love with the least suitable guy. The guy who's emotionally unavailable, the one who's too indecisive to figure out whether he wants to date me or not, the narcissist, the one who can't value me until it's too late. A lot of times one guy will be all these things. I guess that makes me a bit of a masochist because I have to hit rock bottom in order to move on.

You know those girls that always want a "fixer upper" type of boyfriend? The ones who swear that the guy will change for them? Well, as a member of that squad I'm here to tell you it's all bullshit. I'm not saying men can't change, I'm just saying if he was going to change for you, you would notice from the very beginning. Men really do change for who they want and I'm convinced they know if you're going to be that person from the minute they show interest in you. I think what really happens is that in the very beginning they show us their potential as a boyfriend. They show us how good things COULD be and then we're hooked on potential. We fall in love with that potential because we know it's in there so we waste years, months if you're lucky or smarter than the rest of us, trying to bring it out.

The dating world has become so complicated, and people like me get left behind. When I say people like me, I mean the hopeless romantics. The type of people who will always believe in love and daydream about love and always have the little light of hope inside so it makes them fantasize about that potential I mentioned earlier.

I think I watched one too many novelas or love movies as a kid. I remember when I was younger I loved happy endings. The type of endings where they lived happily ever after. I dreamed of my Prince Charming and having a Cinderella wedding and just being happy. I'm 35 and I'm still waiting. I would daydream about every boy I ever had a crush on, picture us getting married and how cute our babies would be. I would write our names in my notebook and fun fact, I never stopped doing that. I never stopped daydreaming about the guy I liked, I always try to merge my name with his last name and see if it fits right.

I have to admit it's a little embarrassing to admit this to the world but as a hopeless romantic, I guess it comes with the territory. My current crush, who makes it to just about all of my entries, is a fixer-upper. The first couple of months of us chatting online and even after we met in person were so different than our interactions now. Unfortunately for me, I fell for him, I fell for the potential I saw in the beginning and I've spent the past like 7 months trying to find it again.

He gives me glimpses here and there but nothing like the guy I met last November. I have all these theories of why he's the way he is but the truth is, I have no fucking clue. I don't know if I'll ever know, I don't know what will happen with us. Romantic me hopes and dreams that one day he'll come to his senses and be like what the fuck am i doing and we'll live happily ever after. But that's not reality. Reality is that I should probably let go of him and move on.

But, remember that little light of hope inside? It's always there telling me not to give up. Telling me to keep trying. Telling me that I know the guy I met in November is still in there and that when he finally lets him out we're going to be insanely happy. The road to that happiness though, feels like it's filled with thorns and cracks and bumps. And that happily ever after just keeps slipping further and further away.

I almost had a happily ever after, however before we were truly happy I had to go through the fixer-upper phase. It was long and hard and honestly I don't know if I'd do it again. Take so much again. Deal with so much again. At the end of the day that "happiness" I thought I finally had, was fake. It wasn't real, he wasn't being honest. He just got really good at pretending and then, the worse thing happened. He died and I had to lose him more than once. Not only did I have to mourn him physically, I also had to mourn our relationship a few times when all his lies were coming to light. Despite all of this, I miss him. I miss the fake happiness I had for 5 years. Happiness for me is always temporary, it never lasts. Frankly, I have moments when I feel like I'll never truly be happy because some fuck shit will always come around.

A couple of people have told me that I have to create my own happiness but I don't really truly know what that is. I don't know how to make myself happy because I've spent my entire life dreaming of a happily ever after with someone else. I've spent all of my life making others happy and I always forget about me.

So, what is happiness for me?

I guess we'll find out...