Guilt...

Have you ever wondered where guilt comes from? Like do I care that much about that person to feel guilty about whatever I did? I hate feeling guilty, it almost makes me feel broken. I've always felt like I'm too nice and when I feel guilt its because my brain feels like I'm letting someone down. But what if it's all in my head? In OUR heads...

"When we become mothers we get injected with mom guilt" my sister said this to me as I was telling her about my own mom guilt. Over the weekend I felt a ton of mom guilt. Why? Well, it was Mother's Day weekend and I couldn't help but feel extra broken. I missed David a little extra this weekend. Every year on Mother's Day we had a routine or tradition I guess. On Mother's Day David would always give me the day off. What did that mean for us? Exactly what it sounds like. On Mother's Day I would do nothing. He would make me breakfast in bed and he would take care of everything that day. He would do all the cooking, cleaning, he would take care of the kids and I got to stay in bed all day and relax. For us, it was never about presents or going out. I never needed any of those things. I just wanted zero issues that day and rest and peace. A day where I didn't have to fix anything, do anything, my very own personal day.

Since David has been gone I'm not particularly fond of the holiday anymore. This is where the guilt creeps in. I have the best kids in the world and they do so much to show me how much they love me and how much they appreciate me, yet all I could think of was what was missing, what I didn't have anymore. I had my phone on DND all weekend, I worked all weekend and I did everything I could to keep busy and not allow myself to think or feel all the emotions I was feeling. I explained all of this to my cousin Selenie and she reminded me that I'm entitled to feeling this way. That the rug was pulled out from under me and I'm still trying to catch myself.

(As I type this his favorite Aventura song came on, Propuesta Indecente. I guess he really is always with me. My hunny was such a charmer)

Aside from mom guilt, I've felt guilt over a bunch of other stuff. I feel guilt when I lie, that's why I don't lie. That and the fact that I can't remember things so if I lie I'll prob forget I lied and snitch on myself.

I've felt guilt over dating more than one guy, even though I'm not exclusive with anyone. Haydee tells me all the time to let it go, that I don't owe anyone anything. I wish it was that simple. I felt daughter guilt too. Every time my mom and I argue, I always end up apologizing because I can't stand the guilt.

For a while I felt survivors guilt. I'd be lying if I said that it still doesn't happen from time to time. I always felt like if I was a good human and did all the "right" things, then I wouldn't feel guilt anymore. Sometimes I wish I was shameless and didn't have all this guilt inside. Because at the end of the day, what do I get from it? Nothing. It only adds to all the stress I already have.

Bottom line is I'm working on letting go of all this guilt that lives inside of me because at the end of the day nobody cares about it but me. I'm not impressing anyone but myself, I don't owe anyone anything but myself. I got a tattoo on my birthday as a reminder to let go of all the bullshit. Still working on it but I'm a lot further than I've ever been. ❤️