Hot fucking mess....

PART 1

hi guys, so the past few weeks have sucked major ass and balls.

I didn't want to post 2 sad entries in a row but then I said fuck it! I'm gonna start by saying i'm wine drunk lol. If you know me, you know i'm not a big drinker, so this little bottle of wine is about to put me on my ass. So, why am i drinking a whole bottle of wine by myself on a Wednesday night? Well, the answer is so simple, you may not like it nor agree with it but humbly, go fuck yourself. Tonight I drink in an attempt to numb myself a little. Lately I've had these big big emotions and honestly I just don't want to feel anything. I'm sure a lot of you can relate.

My anxiety keeps me in fight or flight ALL the fucking time and lately a bunch of fuck shit has been happening to me. I'm over it! If you sense anger as you read this, multiply what you feel by 1000 and that's how i'm feeling.

You know how people say grief comes in stages? I don’t know that i can chuck this to grief, tbh it's more like heartbreak. My moods have been all over the place, i miss David, miss my parents, i even miss some of the people who aren't even far, most of all I miss the old me. Not entirely but parts of her. I've always been the type to hate sadness, sadness is draining and exhausting and painful. I've spent a lifetime burying sadness. I hate being sad, i hate seeing people i love be sad, i just really fucking hate sadness. In the past 18 months I've experienced so much sadness that I can't push her down anymore. She's always present and ruining moments for me.

I titled this "hot fucking mess" because my life has become a hot fucking mess. I have felt a sadness that I didn't even think was possible. I have felt an anger that i didn't even think i was capable of feeling. And I have felt the worst pain. An unexplainable pain. A pain that lingers and takes over and leads to sadness and anger.