Manufactured Chaos at the Boogie Down Grind

Last week I went to a poetry reading at the Boogie Down Grind Cafe. Needless to say I loved it, it was inspiring and relatable and it awoke my love of poetry. One of the poets, Vagabond, said something that made me think. In one of his pieces he mentioned the phrase "manufactured chaos", I immediately jotted it down in my draft folder because it resonated with me and where my life is at this point, or where its been in the past, or where it always is.

I like to say my life is an organized chaos. No matter how busy and scattered it is, I know exactly where I need to be and what I need to do at all times. At least, that's my definition of it. But as I heard him speak I realized that maybe it's NOT organized chaos, maybe some of it is manufactured. Maybe I create my own chaos because it's what I know and I thrive in it. With 4 kids to raise there is always a certain level of chaos in my house, there is always something to do, an activity to run off to, a playdate, a birthday party, an event at school, and so on and on and onnnn. it's a bit difficult to have down time, it's impossible to have alone time, especially now that it's just us and i don't have David around to take over when i want to strangle them. (*insert Homer Simpson choking Bart meme here*)

I always say I've lived enough for two lifetimes. I will say this until my life catches up and I'm able to live one normal life, unfortunately for me, that doesn't seem to ever happen. If anything, there's always more, more bullshit, more pain, more heartbreak, more sadness, more.....chaos. I know this may sound a little depressing but its my reality. I've always had to "roll with the punches" and trust me when i say, the punches keep coming.

When I don't have things to do or stress about, it feels weird, almost unnatural. It's always followed by this anxiety of waiting for things to go wrong. That anxiety makes it impossible to enjoy the good things because i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At the reading, a couple of others spoke and even though i can't remember exactly the titles of their work (sorry guys) i can tell you the parts that impacted me. I'll add their IG handles too in case yall want to follow along. Matt Sedillo, i just love the passion and strength in the way you read!!! And the piece about "The Rich", amazing.

Youssef Alaoui has such a beautiful and calming voice. I could prob hear him talk all day. My favorite though, was Bonafide Rojas. I don't know if it was because he was the most relatable, maybe because he's about my age, maybe because i thought he was cute lol. I don't know, but what I do know is that i'm totally buying his books. He read a piece dedicated to his Dad and growing up in PR, it was funny and I really liked it. His "Letter to the Bronx" was my favorite that night because I loved growing up in the Bronx. I will rep the Bronx until the day i die!! I know it's nothing like how it was, but it's still my hood, it's where I'm from, it's where I learned to survive, it's where I became who i am. The Bronx raised me, in its streets with the guys on the corners, with the bodega on the block owned by the same guy who watched me grow up and then watched my daughter grow up and me have a bunch more babies. The playground across the street where i took the kids after work, the playground on Walton where i went as a kid and then was able to take my own kids once I had them. The GRAND Grand Concourse that i crossed a million times to get just about anywhere i needed to be. Where i danced every summer for all the parades i watched growing up and now my daughter can do the same. Fordham Road that watched me take the Bx12 bus for 4 years to my HS on Pelham Pkwy. That same bus took me to my job at VNS for 6 yrs. That same bus watched my growing belly as i carried Jasmin to term and delivered her at Jacobi Hospital.

There is so much I can write about the Bronx. I have so much love for the city that watched me grow up and fuck shit up and then settle down. But this was about the poets, see there's that ADD again. I started writing about chaos, I hope I can one day break away from it and finally enjoy the moments of peace and not wait for the other shoe to drop.

Thank you to the poets for making me tap into that potential i so frequently avoid.

Love,

Dory ✨✨

My new favorite people 🤗

@matt_sedillo

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