me vs me

have you ever thought of the possibility of facing yourself?

like literally (but hypothetically) face yourself?

what would you say? would you be kind to them? would you ask why did you do all those things with bad consequences? would you want to know why you're so impulsive? if they materialized, would you be able to forgive them for all the things you blame them for?

most of you might read this and say, "meet myself? absolutely!"

as for me, I dread it.

my therapist asked me to picture myself at our last session. she asked me to think of what I would say and this request made me so uncomfortable. all I had to say to myself were negative things. I had nothing nice to say and I realized how angry I was with myself. I asked myself a series of questions that still haven't been answered, I don't know whether they will be answered. I decided to keep track of these interactions here so I can learn from her and eventually forgive her for all the things I blame her for. it's a little odd to talk to and of myself in third person but I think for the purpose of the exercise its necessary.

before this particular session, I felt so angry with myself. I couldn't understand why I behave the way i do and after doing something stupid I always feel this guilt because I know deep down it was wrong.

made me question so many things, at the top of the list I asked myself; " do I hate you?".

my entire life I've struggled with boundaries, creating them, enforcing them and just sticking with the few that i do come up with. I've always hated the fact that I have no boundaries, that I people please and then i end up hating myself for not knowing how to say "no" to almost anything. Most of my 37 years I have gone through life that way. that's 34 years of toxic behaviors and pleasing others even if it hurts me in the process. all this followed by guilt, anger and self hatred. now here i am at 37 trying to figure out why i do this. its been three years of me trying to figure myself out. what most people earn in their late teens and twenties, I'm learning now in my late thirties. three years learning to love myself, learning to accept myself and my choices and three years of this fucking cycle that just wont quit. so why do i do this?

i grew up with an overbearing mother. she was mean and strict and she never understood me. she always hated the fact that i was a lot like my father, I think he was more the problem than me but she didn't know how to really express that and in recent months I've learned to forgive her for it. I rebelled when i was 14 and for about 20 years i didn't know why. i always blamed my mom and how strict she was for my change in behavior and what would ultimately be the toxic cycle that i fell into for all those years to come. at 15 i met my daughters father who i now realize had a very violent nature and was verbally and emotionally abusive and i think if i had stuck with him longer that abuse would have become physical.

after my daughter was born i left him and had a little taste of freedom. real freedom. for someone like me, that can be dangerous. I've always been the type to not know when to stop. here go those boundary issues again. you remember that saying "too much of a good thing is a bad thing", well i live that daily. i became addicted to that newfound freedom and realized i can finally do whatever i want. that would push me down a path i had no business being on. eventually i would go on to meet my husband who would be the reason i settled down. I loved David, but he was manipulative, emotionally abusive and narcissistic. But to me, he was lesser of the evils and i was starting to hate myself enough at this point that i realized i needed that hard stop to the life i was living. essentially i settled. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, i didn't know the next 10 years would be as rough as they were and that i would willingly give so much of myself away that it would take him dying in order for me to find Vanessa again. before he died, he gave me the best 4-5 years. our relationship had been through it all and survived, we were finally in a place where it was just bliss. I'm so grateful for those years but i still hold anger about the fact that he was taken from me when we were finally truly happy.

I think that's enough of a backstory no?

my first boyfriend was a piece of shit. yes I'm still bitter all these years later. My self esteem was so low when i met him that i was the perfect victim. No boy had ever shown interest in me so when he did, it was so easy for me to fall. add to this years of bullying, loneliness and an only child imagination, its the perfect recipe for a big fail. All i wanted was to spend time with him, i craved that attention so badly that i started skipping class just so i can see him. i would leave early and meet him at the park and it was like feeding an addiction every time he held my hand or kissed me. i was so invested that when he brought up sex i didn't hesitate. i knew nothing about sex, i was so damn clueless but i wanted to please him so he would not leave and take the attention with him. we'd talk about it frequently and eventually he'd crafted a plan for when it would happen. the day of i was so scared. i couldn't believe i agreed to do this but i didn't want him to leave me so i followed through. i changed my mind last minute but he would say it was "too late". I cried in pain and disappointment as he ignored all my no's. i felt disgusting after. enough to bury this memory so far down in my brain that it wouldn't resurface for 20 years.

this is when i rebelled. this is when my life changed. this is also when my life stopped. 14 year old me stayed there, back in 2001(or 2002 can't remember) and what ensued after was just pain, suffering, toxicity, self hatred. any and every negative emotion that i could muster up was internalized. i didn't even blame him for anything and continued to see him until the end of that school year.

i think its crazy how we blame ourselves for the poor choices of others. someone else ruined my life and i blamed myself for it.

the first time i spoke about this was while i was grieving the loss of my husband. I'm not sure how it came up but when it did, it fucked me up real bad. i couldn't understand how i could forget something like this. i blamed myself again for not speaking up. i blamed myself for not being stronger back then and even now. i felt dirty. sad. angry.

after eventually coming to terms with the fact that this had happened to me, i was able to talk to my mom and sister about it. my mom felt bad but she still couldn't understand me. she didn't understand how it happened, she didn't understand why i kept it to myself, and she didn't understand why i was bringing it up now.

not cool mom.

my sister was more empathetic. as i told her my story, she would think back with me and realized why i had changed all those years prior. I wasn't aware that i had. my sister would then point out how i came home one day and just cried for hours on end but wouldn't share why. she thought it was a weekend because i was upset for a couple days following this event. but it wasn't a weekend, once i started remembering things i realized it happened the last day of school before spring break. i didn't hear from him for the entire break. She said after that my entire demeanor changed. i became rude, aggressive and just unbearable. i guess that's when we drifted apart as well. her response was almost like a confirmation to myself that i didn't imagine it. it happened. this would only make me hate myself more. i hurt those i loved because i didn't know how to express myself. i didn't know how to express myself because my mom was always incredibly dismissive of real feelings. she's always thought that if you just tell yourself that you're fine, eventually you will be fine. "fake it till you make it" syndrome.

i hate that phrase now. it might be cool with simple things like figuring something out at work but for me it was my way of life. i used this phrase with anything and everything. i now realize that you cant fake everything. some things you have to face head on no matter how much they hurt. facing my 14year old self was really hard. turns out i don't hate her. i feel so incredibly bad for her. she had no-one. this awful thing happened and it caused her to stay stuck in that awful moment. she's been there ever since and i want to help her move on because nobody should feel the way she feels for a lifetime. turns out its true that you do what you can with what you know at the time. its not a perfect system, but realizing it and correcting it can be the key to stop "faking it".

i have so much work to do within myself. the key is, recognizing the behaviors you don't like and correcting them. even just trying to correct them is a win.