memory lane ❤️‍🩹

I recently had a conversation with one of my cousins where we both pointed out some flaws about our upbringing. My childhood was anything but normal, therefore I hold on to the "normal" memories like a treasure. As most of you know, i was born in DR and my mom and I moved to NY when i was 7. Those first few years in DR kind of formed how my childhood would be. My parents always did their best to provide for me and keep me on track with responsibilities so that I'd be successful. I was always a bit smarter than all the kids my age. (yes, i'm bragging) I think my curious nature enhanced my intelligence.

When I was born we lived in one of aunts' house. She was my absolute favorite, SIP Mama. I only have a few memories of our time here. I remember Mama saving me from many beatings from my mom, my dad has never touched me. I remember falling and splitting my upper lip open. I remember getting up every morning at the crack of dawn with my dad and walking to the corner for breakfast, I would always get a plain yaniqueque but I don't remember if dad ever got anything. I remember getting attacked by a black hen lmaoooooo. Lastly i remember starting school, i loved going to school. I loved learning, and I finally had a place where my curiosity was celebrated and not punished. That's it! That's what i remember from the first 3-4 years of my life.

We then moved to Tia Neva's house. 'La Casa Del Carolina' as we always referred to it. I loved it here, we had so much more room and I actually got to meet others my age. Carolina was quiet and I wasn't allowed to do much, naturally, my curiosity only flourished here. Mom hated it. I think she just didn't understand it because she wasn't like that, Dad was. I always felt like she was jealous of my relationship with Dad. We understood each other and always had a good time. Dad always encouraged my curiosity and taught me things like listening to boleros, real music he would call it. We watched movies together and read the newspaper together, he would complain of things I didn't understand but to me my Daddy was the smartest man on the planet so i always took his side in ANYTHING.

My memories from Carolina aren't many which is ironic since i was older. I remember a specific beating i got when I was 5 for repeating a word i didn't even understand, singando. It means fucking, so obviously my mom would freak out but i didn't know the meaning so i don't think i deserved a beating. Just guidance and an explanation so i wouldn't repeat it. I remember meeting my cousin Jenny, one of my favorite people ever. I remember us crushing on the neighbor next door. We thought those boys were so cool because their house was big and they had been to NY. We were so dumb.

I remember mom leaving me alone in that house for hours, she would lock all the doors so I wouldn't try to go outside, "don't open for anyone, don't touch the stove and entertain yourself until i come back" those were her words. It's like she forgot she birthed a real life curious george. I would be so jealous of all the neighborhood kids playing on the street and I felt like i was in prison. Eventually I would figure out that my head fit perfectly between two of the bars of the metal gate that encircled our little patio. Yup! you guessed it, I started sneaking out through the gate when i was alone and the kids were playing outside. I knew I'd get in trouble so I never told anyone. Sometimes the kids would sneak in and we'd play in the marquesina (kind of like a garage).

I remember trying yellow rice for the first time, courtesy of my aunt Felicia. She also bought me my first Barbie. I was obsessed with it. I was lonely so my imagination soared, she might as well have been my imaginary friend. I remember starting a new school, I think I got to go there for free because my mom taught 1st grade there. It was so far. We walked like 30 mins in the beaming caribbean sun to get there. I admire my moms hussle, she was always life smart and practical. My Dad was delusional, always chasing the next big thing or falling for get rich quick scams. I think I fell in the middle of both of them, leaning more to deluluville. I remember we lived with my Tio Livio at Carolina, I loved that man so much but I think he thought i was annoying. I would always ask why he didn't have a wife or kids, that must have been triggering for him as he was divorced and couldn't have kids. I don't remember many other things from there.

The Big Day

July 10th, 1994 my mom and I left DR and moved to NYC. I don't remember much about how I adjusted to my relocation. I learned English pretty quickly, one because i was too curious and refused to be left out of conversations and two, because I was little and my brain was literally a sponge. I imagine that I missed my dad crazy but I don't actually remember it. The day after we arrived in NY i had my first coquito, i was mind blown by how good it was. I also saw a really bad car accident right in front of the coquito lady. A car hit a motorcycle and the guy went flying, landing on another car that was quite close to where we were standing. The man's leg was shattered and you could see his broken bones sticking out of his leg. I've never been able to forget that accident, I wonder if i can google it.

I started school, far as fuck, and at 7 I walked the distance by myself. I guess I was used to walking anyway. In the mornings my mom paid a lady to walk me to school, but mom left to work like at 5am so at the lady's house I watched tv and ate cereal while she slept and then got her kids ready. I was taught the way home and afterschool I'd walk by myself. Mom made me a house key and tied it with string and made into a little necklace so i wouldn't lose it. Then I'd care for myself until mom came. I think this is where I really found my independence. I remember going to the store with friends after school and being taught to steal snacks and drinks and only pay a few cents for candy. I remember falling during one of those walks and chipping my tooth, which now looking back, is really frustrating because i was 7 so i literally had just grown that adult tooth.

When i started school i was the youngest in my class. I always was for the entirety of my K-12 career. Remember when I mentioned starting preschool and loving it? Well I thrived and excelled and left all my peers in the dust (yes, bragging again). I did so well they moved me up. I also give some credit to my mom because by the time i started school, i knew how to read and write a few things giving me an advantage from the start.

September 1994 i started the 4th grade in NYC. Remember I'm 7 at this point in a room full of 9yr olds. I was always picked on for being different. I was bullied about the clothes I wore, mostly second hand stuff and definitely not flattering. I was smart and independent but the other kids always told me i was ugly and fat and i didnt speak english at first so there was that to tackle on. I was bullied so badly that one day i had to pee but was embarrassed to raise my hand and ask for a bathroom break so i ended up peeing my pants. This would only make the bullying so much worse. Little me didn't understand that at the time.

I finally graduated elementary school and middle school was even worse. Again, I'm walking like 67 miles to school. Sometimes I would hop the train so I could get home faster and to school faster. I learned that from some of the other kids. They fucking tortured me though. Especially Julio. I hated that boy for the way he bullied me in middle school. I used to try to explain to my mom that they were bullying me because of my clothes and the fact that she made me wear the same outfit several days in order to save money on laundry and also on clothes I assume. She didn't understand. She never did.

As an adult I tried to explain it to her yet again. I tried telling her that at the time she couldn't expect me to grow up in NY and live like we lived in DR. It's a different lifestyle and it was a choice she made for me so I needed her to get with the program. I don't blame my mom though, I understand why she did the things she did, but the trauma has stuck around all these years. I lived years of poor self image and not knowing my worth because of the way childhood went. I think by now you've gathered the fact that it wasn't traditional.

My cousin explained how she wished she had spent more time with our side of the family but circumstances led her to grow up interacting with her moms side instead. Another one of my cousins said the same thing, she recently got married and the only people from our family were me and her dad. The rest were close friends and most of her moms side of the family.

My family dynamic is continuously changing and I think that's part of the reason I crave stability. I've always had to deal with change and adapt accordingly regardless of how I felt about it. Some choices were made for me and I had to assimilate. Even when I didn't fully understand. That must have been where compartmentalization became part of my every day.

Growing up in NY is tough, you as a person have to be tough no matter what. Things happen to you and you dust yourself off and keep it moving. That victim mentality is lost on true New Yorkers. Growing up in DR is tougher. Here I am a product of both sides of the shitty coin and still curious and pushing through.

As a mom my entire goal in life is for my kids to do and be better than I ever was. I want them to have opportunities I never had. I want them to have a mom that at least tries to understand what's going on with them. Being a kid is hard, nobody deserves to have parents that make life even harder.

From one parent to another I offer this little piece of unsolicited advice. Listen to your kids, respect them in the same way you expect to be respected and that should help with the family dynamic plus, you'll learn a lot about your kid.

Love always,

Dory 🌟