Messy not Messi….

3.25.23

When did I become this messy?

How does my life continue to consistently fall apart?

When will it be my turn to just be happy and at peace?

Why does the person I love continue to consistently break my heart?

Continuously disappoint me ?

Why is it so hard to have a conversation?

3.31.23

I’m not great. I feel like life is just slipping through my fingers and I’m trying my best to not fall completely apart but there isn’t anything anyone else can really do for me. If you feel like you need to engage or interject, do it but come to me. Like how I talk to you when I feel like I need to. I’m so open with you, and despite all the bullshit I still trust you. It’s why I can still talk to you and confide in you. But there are certain things I only share with you. I was mad at first that you chose to reach out to my friend instead of just talking to me. Remember that one night that I was all worried about you and I drove by your place and saw your sister parking your car and I was so worried about you that I didn’t sleep that night and I cried until my eyes were puffy because I didn’t know if you were ok and I had no way of knowing. I could have reached out to your sister and asked but I didn’t. I could have ran out of my car and asked her about you. But I didn’t.

Sometimes I just don't understand what you want from me. Sometimes I just don't get why you and I are so complicated. you confuse the hell out of me and I try to just roll with it but maybe I can't. I've said goodbye to you so many times before and every time I meant it and sometimes I wish you would have taken me up on it. What is this? Where do you want this to go? Is it sex only? Is it friendship?

I do admit that since finding out about the girl I see you differently. I drew this boundary that we probably should have drawn from the very beginning. I'm really good at respecting boundaries, you just have to set them for me. Communication is not hard but if you don't try it'll never be doable for you.

Despite how much I love you, I know I'm no good for you. I know I have a lot to work on within myself before I can try to give you or anyone else a real shot. Sometimes I get so lonely and loneliness is a fucked up bitch. Idle time has never been my friend. I do impulsive and reckless shit.

But......

The best impulsive decision I ever made was meeting you that night for the worlds crappiest massage and the best vanilla has to offer.