Single by Default

How did I get here?

I'm kind of angry today so you've been warned.

My mind has been racing all day about all this dating bullshit and ugh I just hate the way I'm feeling right now. I'm emotional and vulnerable and I hate it.

In the past month or so I've done a lot of writing, a lot talking and a lot of everything. I've now been seeing my new therapist every week for the last 6 weeks or so. I like her but I can't bring myself to be 100% honest with her the way I was with Neena. I think it's my own complex because I know how young she is. I kind of feel like she just wouldn't understand.

I titled this entry "single by default" because I am. I didn't choose this. It makes me so angry that certain things I'm experiencing would not be happening if David was here. I get so mad at him sometimes for dying. For leaving me alone with all our problems. Every time our kids get sad. Every time things get tough and I feel like I can't handle it. Every time I want to share something with him. Every time I want a hug, a kiss, good sex, or simply to be babied. And most definitely when I'm in my feels about whatever is going on in my current dating life. Because I wouldn't be out here dating if he was here. Nobody in my entire life has treated me like Dave. Nobody ever babied me the way he did, when I was sad, mad, upset, even when he was mad at me it didn't stop him from being good to me.

But also, nobody has ever treated me as poorly as he did. Nobody has made me question things the way he did. Nobody has made me hate and love myself the way he did. Oh my hunny bee 🐝

Sometimes I feel like I've known different David's. The David I originally met and the David I had when he died were two different people. I've known so many versions of him. David at work, responsible David, asshole to other people David, ashole to me David, cheating David, faithful David, liar David, he really was the Edward Lewis to my Vivian Ward. I wasn't a hooker but I definitely was a poor ghetto teen mom from the Bronx and he showed me this new world I never thought I'd belong to.

Then there's my sour patch. I would love to have a real conversation just once with him. Open, vulnerable and honest. Expectations, boundaries and I think I'm finally ready to ask questions about the girlfriend. I just have a deep gut feeling that she came after he had met me.

If that's the case, why wasn't I good enough? Why am I feeling inadequate for his dishonesty? And ultimately, why can't I let him go? Stupid ass love.

Oh my sour patch

San Valentín se a convertido en un negocio Y el carajito de la flecha me caí mal Es un tabú ese supuesto amor eterno Aquel que se enamora siempre termina fatal

---Cancioncitas de Amor,

Romeo Santos

I don't know where my journey is taking me but there's a lot of anger inside me, there's a lot of sadness, unresolved feelings and frankly I'm tired of feeling like I'm lost with no direction. I'm clearly having a moment of weakness or a moment of hormones because in this moment of emotions and needyness all I want is a somebody who will care enough to want to make me feel better. Someone to take over and just take on some of the excess emotions and stress so I can breathe again.

I hope one day I can have that honest conversation I feel like I need from A. And if that day never comes, I hope I can find the strength to let go and move on and no longer need that conversation.

I was going to do a small comparison between David and A but I don't think I can. The best I can do is say that;

David = JAY-Z

A= Luke Combs

They're similar but different and I think that might be the reason I feel the way I do about A. Moments like this I get really really fucking mad at being "single by default". I didn't choose this, I don't want this but I have to play the cards I've been dealt and I can't fucking wait to finally get to that stage of grief where the grief shrinks inside of my jar.

I could fall or I could fly Here in your aeroplane And I could live, I could die Hanging on the words you say And I've been known to give my all And lie awake, every day Don't know how much I can take So don't call me baby Unless you mean it Don't tell me you need me If you don't believe it So let me know the truth Before I dive right into you

---Dive, Luke Combs 🧡

They both got the best of me. I, however, am still waiting for the best of both of them and deep down I know I'm not getting it. One's dead and the other unavailable. So, I need to find my focus and the way I can heal and make myself better, because I know nobody else is going to give me that.

Love always,

Dory ✨