Strength…

My entire life I've always had to be strong. There was no debating it. Even as a kid, I had responsibilities at 7 that no other 7yr old had. After moving to NY with mom I was practically on my own. She worked so incredibly hard to make ends meet and I'm so grateful for her teaching me this skill. Mami is the hardest working person I know. She's my rock, my idol, my biggest supporter and the one person I can always count on no matter what. I love her to death, don't know what I'd do without her.

As good as she is, I also learned from her what kind of parent I didn't want to be. When we first moved to NY obviously we didn't know anyone so at first when she enrolled me in school she would drop me off at 6am and leave me sitting in front of the school until they opened. I cringe at how dangerous that was but it is what it is. She worked at a factory and at first this was the only viable solution. Then, she met a lady and would drop me off at the lady's house like at 5 and the lady would sleep and I would watch tv and eat cereal until it was time to go. I don't remember if the lady came first or the alone time on the school steps came first, but either way, neither was ideal.

Eventually we figured out I could be bussed, so then she made me a key and put it on a ribbon I would wear around my neck like a necklace. I didn't have to wake up at 5am anymore. I was in the comfort of our apartment and the bus would get me to school on time. In the afternoons I would walk home with friends that lived along the way of my route home. It's so crazy to think back at the things we've been through and realize how bad they actually were. Back then I didn't question anything, I did what I was told, I was "careful" to not get kidnapped lol, and I made it work. I guess that's when I learned to adapt to surroundings and situations. I've always had to roll with the punches.

So now, I'm 35 and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of living in survival mode. I'm tired of having to adapt to some new fucked up thing every time I turn around. I'm just so tired. I pray every day and I thank God every day for all my blessings and hardships. Because you have to be grateful for the bad cause you learn from it. But mostly, what I really ask God for daily, is guidance. Guidance in the decisions I make, the path I take, just guidance in everything I do. If it's meant to benefit me I leave it to God to show me the way.

Last night I had a nice long talk with a friend and I realized just how tired I am. Tired of just existing, of living in survival mode, of being on autopilot. Since David's death, I've been on autopilot. I get up and I do all the things I need to do because they just need to get done. But sometimes I get so tired of taking care of everything and everyone else. I want someone to take care of me for once. Melt the stress away, allow me to be cared for and soft. I know this might be unrealistic but it's just how I feel. I wanna be babied and not have to think of work and schedules and play dates and sports and activities, even if it's for a day.

So, check on your strong friends....sometimes we don't wanna be strong anymore.