Vulnerability….

I'm feeling extra vulnerable right now, so I thought I'd share some of it with you guys.

For me, being openly vulnerable helps take off some of the pressure. I'm in constant stress mode and when things happen that trigger additional emotions I feel like a pressure cooker about to blow up. I need to let those feelings out. I started this blog because for years I've wanted a platform where I could share all my crazy stories, my funny ones, but also my vulnerable ones. I love writing, it's such a release for me. It's almost like a safe place, like nothing can hurt me while I'm writing.

I once asked A what has that effect on him, he said fishing. I've never been fishing so I can't relate. But I imagine it to be like when I'm home alone curled up with a book and a cup of coffee. Just peaceful. Alone but not lonely. I don't know if that makes sense.

Today I feel vulnerable, I'm a little sad and I've realized that my tears belong to someone else now. For so long I cried the loss of my husband, I cried because I missed him, I cried because I was angry that he was gone, I cried because I could physically feel the pain of him being gone. I cried every time my kids cried. We don't cry as much now. For a while I felt like I was all cried out. I couldn't cry at all even if I tried.

Then, I asked A to be my date to a wedding. His response was "I don't do that" to which I replied jokingly "what? Dates or weddings" he said both. That night I cried like a baby, I cried so much and so hard because I kind of felt unappreciated. Looking back on it now I feel like I understand him but at the time I was crushed. Every time I've cried since that night has been because of A. Every time I get frustrated with him I end up missing David even more. And then I get angry because it makes me feel like I wouldn't be going through this if he was here.

David and I went through so much. So so much. He was a narcissist and a lot of times would make me cry on purpose. He was a great dad but I have a lot of negative stories about him as my partner. He knew how to push my buttons and how to hurt me and we argued he used that vulnerability against me. It's really hard to be strong when someone is constantly pushing on your triggers. For about 10 years that was my life. I was weak and vulnerable and he preyed on that. It's actually a miracle that I still have the desire to love and open up to someone else considering what I've been through in past relationships.

I'm trying to grow, become a much better version of myself. A version of myself who isn't afraid, who is open to being vulnerable in private and in public, someone willing to make the necessary changes and put in the work to become the best version of myself and be happy. I've always said my only goal in life is happiness and raising 4 productive, successful and happy little humans. Sometimes I feel like I require so little but yet I struggle to find that balance.

I struggle to be happy, truly happy. I think part of the reason for that is that I'm always doing for others. I love helping people, I love seeing other people happy, especially the people that I love. The problem with that is that I have a tendency of giving too much. I have a tendency of sacrificing my happiness for theirs just for the pure satisfaction of knowing I was able to help someone else be happy. Kind of masochistic right?

I don't know what this great big world has in store for me, all I know is that whatever it is, it's going to be for me. For this version of Dory. The version of Dory that is unapologetically herself. The version of me that is constantly growing and loving herself more. The version of me that's not afraid to love, not afraid to try new things, not afraid of putting herself out there even if she gets hurt in the process. Because there's no reward without risk. All I ask the great God above is to guide me in the decisions I make because it just might be time for me to stop sacrificing and giving so much for little or nothing in return.

Moral of the story-- be vulnerable, open up to those you love. If they truly love you, you have nothing to worry about and if they don't and you get hurt, it was a lesson for you to be more vigilant and learn from. NOT a reason for you to close yourself and hide your vulnerability. There's so much beauty and love and positivity in being vulnerable.

Try it some time.......

With Much Love,

✨Dory ✨