When I need you…

I'm feeling vulnerable right now. Feelings all over the place. I hate when I get like this, I think Aunt Flo is going to visit soon. I keep having these weird dreams. Waking up scared and frazzled. Anxiety on 50000.

The anniversary of David's passing is in a few weeks. It's gonna be three years and I'm still a mess. I think the anticipation of waiting for the date is really what throws me off.

I miss my dad. I miss having an active dad. Someone I can call and would help me figure things out. To hug me when I need it. To do handyman stuff around the house now that David is gone. I'm starting to realize I miss a lifetime of memories like these. I've always been able to talk freely to my dad and I know he's proud of me and he loves me. But I hate that our relationship has never been traditional and that I can't rely on him for anything else other than support and conversation. I am grateful for the emotional support and understanding he's always shown, but little me wishes he was a little different. That things were different.

Recently I've bonded with an older vet at work and he always visits and checks up on me, he brings me snacks and offers fatherly advice or tells me stories about him and his daughters and how they drive him crazy. And I listen happily because I can daydream a little about what a relationship like this would be like. I won't ever have that. Unfortunately neither will my kids. Luckily they had a great hands on dad and made memories to remember that.

I miss Rich. I can't say he wasn't there for me because he was when it mattered most. I honestly feel like I fumbled the friendship in between depressive episodes and other bullshit. I need to make it up to him, he deserves a better friend. I might have to kiss his ass for a while to get my bestie back.

I miss Romy. Our late night talks about anything. Man I'm glad we can still be friends after all these years. He's great. He's so calm to my alboroto (Google it). But I don't think his wife agrees. I remember in high school thinking Romy was the coolest guy.

I want to FaceTime Sam. I want her pretty face and calm demeanor to comfort me. When we were on speaking terms she said whenever I felt this way I could FaceTime her and she'd help. But now she's upset and I can't call. One more person that left and probably won't come back. It stings because I really thought I had found my people. I can't blame them for feeling upset about some of the things I said. But I can't start apologizing for having opinions.

I wish them all the best. I hope they're happy.

I don't want to paint myself as a victim because I am not but I am really struggling with the fact that everyone leaves. Everyone is here for a minute but most people don't stay. I'm starting to develop a fear of abandonment together and some serious trust issues. Everyone I love and open up to, ends up leaving. I see now why so many people have trust issues, why they build walls higher than the wall of china. I get all that now.

I used to be the type of person who was just an open book. I still am but I'm finding it really hard to be vulnerable with people. I know I'm not perfect, I have flaws like everybody else. I'm the queen of bad decisions and of putting my foot in my mouth. But I love harder than anyone else I know. I don't leave. When people need me I'm there, even if we haven't talked in a long time.

Am I a bad friend?

Is it normal to constantly lose people?

Am I ever going to find normal and live it?

Will I be worthy of people not leaving?

Will I be enough for my people to stick with me?

Where am I going wrong?