The ugly side of motherhood…

Shit moms don't say because it's "frowned upon"

I call my kids assholes all the fucking time.

Breastfeeding blows (hurts like hell but it is rewarding)

Sometimes I don't like my kids

Sometimes I don't wanna parent

Sometimes I wanna run away

Sometimes I just lock myself in my room for 10 minutes just so I can have quiet time

Sometimes I wanna be selfish and think of me first

Sometimes I hide snacks from them because they're MINE!!

Sometimes I let them watch too much TV or play too many video games because I'm exhausted and I need a little quiet time

Now let me start by saying, I love being a mom. I was one of those little girls dreaming of a Cinderella wedding and had my kids names picked out since I could remember. Ironically none of my kids used any of those names. I always loved the name Jonathan for a boy and Evelyn for a girl. My first real boyfriend's name turned out to be Jonathan and his mothers name is Evelyn. They both suck so there goes that thought lol. Even worse for me Jonathan is my daughters father so I'm stuck with them. Luckily however, jasmin is now 18 and I want no parts of communication with those people 🙌🏼

Being a mom is the best, most rewarding, exhausting, expensive and stressful experience there is. I always knew I wanted a big family because I grew up by myself so I wanted my kids to have siblings to rely on each other and tease and all that good stuff. But I feel like nobody really tells you the downsides of being a mom.

For every positive there's a negative. I guess that could be said about anything. So here we are, I am a 35 yr old single mom raising 4 kids. I know Jasmin is 18 but she still needs guiding. That's one of the things about parenting, if you're a good one, you never stop parenting. Some people stop when they're 18 and I said I'd be that person but I can't. As long as she needs me I'll be here.

So, on the topic of daughters, they're so cute when they're little. They literally steal your heart, they make you feel better than anything in the world and then they develop personalities and attitudes and then puberty comes and boom!! It all goes down the drain. All the sweetness, all the happy feelings, all the joy, everything you thought you loved about being a girl mom evaporates. They start lying, everything you do either annoys them or embarrasses them. You can't do a single fucking thing right to a teen girl. You catch yourself becoming your mom and boom!! Another realization. This is why your mother was the way she was when you were a kid. Because they turn into assholes!! They think they know it all and have to learn the hard way.

Now, if you have a good one that happened to skip this stage, consider yourself a unicorn. Because so far my experience was this, and whatever friends I have who have daughters have said the same. As a matter of fact, I'll tell you about my niece. Sweetest kid in the world, huge heart, smart af, artistic af, helpful, kind, responsible but still had asshole tendencies, per her mom.

Boys-

Little boys become their moms weakness. You didn't think you'd ever love anyone the way you love your little boy when you first hold them. Boys are different though. Boys will destroy anything and everything in sight when they're little and then they get distant as teens and then they come right back to their mama. We low key love this though. We love our boys even when they're going through their awkward phases and teen years. I think the reason is different with girls is because the girls remind us of ourselves.

Girls remind us of the bad shit we did, the sneaky shit we did, the stress we caused, all the things we did that our parents never knew about. We think about those things and hope and pray they don't do the same. But they do.

We don't know what it's like to be a teen boy, we think we do based on our experiences but we don't fucking know shit.

Men are a whole new messy species of minimalism that women cannot fully comprehend. We often question why they're so damn nonchalant about EVERYTHING!!!!! It's so annoying!!!! It comes across as indifference and like they just don't care about anything. As adults we eventually learn that's not really true but as women trying to see things from a male vantage point but we don't know wtf is going on up there.

Anyway, I digress. I started this entry because I had a very tough morning and because part of this blog is about motherhood, I'm gonna share how I lost my shit this morning with my son.

There's things about my kids I just absolutely love, like their sibling bond. How they look out for each other (when they're not fighting) and how they treat each other. I love watching them interact and have what I didn't have growing up. But when they piss me off, boyyyyyyyy it's like flames literally come out my ears and then the best and worst thing happens, they come hug you and kiss you say sorry and smile and that's it. They put out the flames.

I'll give you a little history on Julian. Julian is my most picky eater, my toughest emotional challenge and my most needy child. I blame my husband for this. He always did things for him, where I would try to teach independence, he would baby him. Now my husband is dead and I'm left to figure shit out and try to teach him now, what I wanted him to learn 5 yrs ago.

I'm not gonna lie when I have bad days like this, I get so mad at David for dying. Half of this stress is his and here I am alone trying to navigate and decipher my new life. Recently Julian was put on a med/supplement regimen that has been hell on me. Mornings with him were always difficult, now imagine adding meds and vitamins and breakfast to his mornings. Julian was never a breakfast person now he has to have breakfast. He was always realyyyyyyyyy bad with meds now he has daily shit to take. It's a hell of an adjustment and I'm trying my best but my best isn't enough. Last week he got sent home from school 3 times and I tried to do everything in my power this morning so today wouldn't be like last week. I made him breakfast, I gave him all the meds and supplements, I gave him clothes to wear, I packed up his bag, packed up a bag for the nurse, made sure all his stuff was together. All this kid had to do was change, brush his teeth and eat breakfast. Instead this is what transpired this morning.

Julian woke up, lingered for a while, then got up changed his shirt and laid back down. Me running around like a chicken with no head, asking him, yelling, at him to finish getting ready and he says I am ready. I'm surprised I didn't lose my shit at that moment but let's go on. I tell him he needs shoes and to brush his teeth and eat. He grabs his shoes, does NOT wear socks and lays down on the couch. Me still running amok, please get up and finish getting ready, go have breakfast, brush your teeth. At this point I'm ready to shake him and tell him to hurry the fuck up. I move on and finish getting Gabby ready and myself because I feel like im about to die at this point. I sat down to put my sneakers on and just burst out crying. I just couldn't understand why he was being this way. I cried all fucking morning. I did all of this and broke down and half way to work the fucking nurse calls that I need to pick him up. At this point I just start sobbing in my car wondering where I went wrong and contemplating and hating my entire existence.

Dramatic I know but that's who I am.

I pulled over and just cried and cried and then pulled myself semi together and picked him up. I was pissed that I was there AGAIN but I didn't let it show. Why?? Because it's not his fault that he's sick. It's not his fault that I don't have a big support system in CT. Why would I make my kid feel bad and guilt trip him because I had to be a mom.

See, being a mom means full commitment to them. To their well being. And sacrificing anything and everything for the sake of them.

Motherhood is many things and you're gonna lose your shit often, they're gonna test you, they're gonna annoy tf outta you, they're gonna drive you absolutely crazy! But you're gonna love every second of it. You'll get over it and then laugh about those things. I don't know what's in store for me and my grieving family but I do know that no matter what is thrown my way and no matter how crazy they make me, they're mine. Always will be mine and for as long as I can I will be there for them. I will continue to love them unconditionally and I know it's always for the best.