Dear Dave,

You've been heavy on my mind lately, I guess it's the holiday season creeping up on me. It was always our favorite. Last year was tough, this year is tougher. I've been really emotional a lot lately. I started crying again. Little things set me off. I'm so thankful for Haydee because she listens to all my nonsense. She's there when I need her no matter how ridiculous or absurd my mood is or how dumb I'm being or how irrational I'm acting. You would have really liked her.

The kids are ok in theory. I don't know why lately I just feel like everything is crumbling around me. Like I've lost my footing and I'm just floating in limbo. Hoping to regain it soon, I can feel a bout of depression coming on. I keep trying to push it down and keep it away but I know it's inevitable and it's gonna come. Just hope I can get through the holidays before I break.

Work kind of sucks and the move I dreaded at first I'm actually looking forward to. I guess I can't really complain, my little team can be pretty great. My dating life is a mess. You know when you know exactly what you need to do but you're avoiding it? That's how I feel right now. Sometimes I wish I could ask you for your opinion on A. I know it's unorthodox but I also know you'd be honest af and help me figure out my life.

My finances are a whole mess. Idk how to catch up and stabilize myself. I just feel this never ending sense of dread, I'm avoiding all the important things, I'm hyper focused on all the wrong ones and I'm faking all this stupid happiness that is really not there.

The other day I had a dream where you were showing me a house, a house I was supposedly buying with A. It was so funny because you totally disapproved. Yet I felt so comforted, it felt so familiar, so normal, it's like you were guiding us the whole time. I miss you so much right now. I hate this grief rollercoaster. Makes me feel bipolar. The highs are really high and the lows are really low, really really low.

I just don't know how to get myself out of the funk anymore. Who the fuck am I? Why is this happening to me? When is it ever gonna get better? Why can't I count on my person when I need him most?

I know I know, I'm wallowing in self pity. It's disgusting to be frank. I need to be better, I need to do better, how am I supposed to raise these kids when I'm like this? So fucked up, so broken, barely hanging on? I know nobody can save me but myself, i just wish you could light up the way.

I miss you honey bee 😩😩😩

I hate that you're gone

I hate that I can't talk to you

I hate who I've become

I hate who I am most of the time

I hate this shell of a person that is always here

I hate how often I'm on autopilot

I hate that our love story had to end when it was in its prime

I hate grief

I hate crying

I hate this anger inside me

I hate that I can't visit you more often

I fucking hate everything

Fuck everything 😔