Dear Dave,

Anoche soñé contigo

It was such a weird dream but now that I’m waking up it feels so good to see you in my dreams. To see your face again. To touch you. To hear your voice. In my dream I was going to a Girl Scout meeting and I couldn’t pay for the fee because I’m broke lol but somehow I got in and you came too and you said you faked your death for who knows what reason and I was so angry with you for making me go through these last 2 years without you. I miss your stupid voice, I miss your dumb jokes, I miss youuuuuu. This grief feels like it won’t ever go away.

I feel like every time I write to you I say the same things, but how can I not say them if it still feels the same way? No matter what I do, who I meet, where I go, even now that I love someone else, my grief still fills my heart and creates this empty void that fills itself with pain and darkness and all this overwhelming grief.

I want to see you. I’d give anything for an hour with you. Just an hour of us catching up and sitting real close and kissing, so much kissing and the best “I miss you” hugs. Regardless of everything we went through, you were the love of my life as I knew it to be. For 15 years in life and the past 2 years in the afterlife, you are still the love of my life.

Even when I love another, when I give my heart and thoughts and body to another, you’ll still be the love of my life. You will be the love that taught me the most about life and relationships. The love that taught me truly unconditional and willing and compromising love. You taught me to love like a grown up. To argue like one too. I feel like to a certain point, I grew up with you. You taught me that the view of wives being slaves is NOT it. You taught me patience, virtue, and true partnership. You taught me not to run away when we argued, you taught me that couples fight and it’s normal and even when we are sooo angry with each other, we still love each other and just need a minute to cool off in the other room. Not every fight needs to end in breaking up. That’s a very childish way of viewing it. But that’s how I used to be. When things got tough or didn’t go my way, I’d run. You taught me how to stay still.

Ironically now I’m trying to teach that lesson to someone else. Fights are normal, arguments are normal. No person is perfect, no relationship is perfect. I miss the way you always calmed me down when I spiraled. All I ever needed was a hug, reassurance, you. You knew exactly what to say, what to do whenever I was overwhelmed, whenever I was afraid you made sure to settle me down even if you were scared too. There were very few times where you showed me your vulnerability in all those years, eventually I just learned to pick up on the clues.

Fuck babe, you've been so heavy on my mind today. It's days like this where I just feel like shit and my brain overthinks and wonders how the fuck did I get here. How do I get out of this funk? Will I ever get out of it? How am I going to keep moving forward without you? You know jediah cried today. Gabby cried on Monday. I break every time one of them misses you and cries. I wish I could take all their pain away. Right now I wish we were just separated and living apart instead of this bullshit widowhood. I rather have you alive and not be with us then this. This sadness, this grief, this fucking pain, this knot in my throat that keeps fucking coming back. This anger I can't control sometimes because I just really hate that I had to be the one with the shit luck to lose her partner. I know I'm not the first, I know I'm not the last, I know I'm not the only one but honestly, I don't give a fuck about anyone else. I'm reaching a point where I don't even care about my support groups. I don't care about anything. I'm just existing and trying to survive but am I really?

I'm anxiously waiting for the day where I'm doing more than just existing on this earth. I want to live, be happy, let go of the bullshit, let go of the guilt, let go of the people who don't deserve me.

I love you babe. I miss you. I hope you're at peace. I hope you guide us towards our version of peace, and i hope you keep visiting. Maybe it'll help me miss you less.

love you hunny bee 🐝