Dear Dave,

9.14.22 (PAIN)

You have showed me bliss, love, and pain. When we became parents it was bliss, exhaustion, but so worth it. When i fell in love with you, i felt the biggest love I'd ever felt. The day I found out about Nicole, i felt what i thought was the worst pain ever. My hunch turned out to be true, the details are what i definitely didn’t expect. Then there was Lynette. Even worse pain than when I found Nicole. This one still hurts babe.

Then, when we had finally had our shit somewhat together and you were being everything i ever wanted you to be, life threw me a curveball. the first of many. I was happier than I'd been in a long time, I loved what our relationship had turned into. I loved our new life, it wasn't perfect but it was perfect for me. The day you died I felt like I was living in a nightmare. When I saw you on that bed at the hospital, it was so surreal. Your ears had turned purple, your lips too. Your skin was already pale and cold. Rigor hadn't set in yet and i was able to hold your hand for what would be the last time ever. Again, pain level went up a notch.

Making funeral arrangements was one of the hardest things to do, maybe even the hardest. I reached a new level of pain that day. The day of the funeral was even worse, because you didn't look like yourself, the kids were hurting, and if i'm being honest i almost felt like i didn't belong there. i don't know if it was still the shock or if it was just me. You know that experiment where they ask you, have you ever felt alone in a room full of people? I was the epitome of that experiment. I didn't know anyone there, that made me feel out of place. We had been together 15 yrs and I didn't know any of these people that loved you so much and had so many stories to share? To be honest I was really mad at the people who didn't show up for you. All the people i actually knew who i expected would show up for you didn't come. Then, it was time for the final goodbye. The last time i would actually see your body, the day i had to watch you be lowered into the ground. the day i had to watch my kids lose their dad forever.

Each one of these things upgraded my level of pain. each one dug deeper and deeper and now i feel like i have this gaping hole in my chest.

there's more to this story but your girl is tired so stay tuned.......