Dear Dave,

9.5.22

Hi babe,

I miss you so much. I’d give anything, literally anything just to hug you, smell you, listen to your voice, have a conversation with you. It’s been 18 months since you’ve been gone, and reality is really settling in. I guess it doesn’t help that I keep getting my heart broken by these guys that don’t know what they want.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I had the ability to make myself happy and that it didn’t depend on someone else. I’m getting better but still not 100% there. I’m learning as I go, and I’m loving myself more each day. My confidence is growing, but I’m still a mess. I can’t wait to get to the part where I’m completely independent and free of all the bullshit.

I know how strong I am even when it doesn’t feel that way. I am grateful for all my blessings and all my trips and falls. Every time I get up, I know I get up stronger and taller. I just wish you were here to share all these things with me. To watch our children grow, to make me laugh when I’m sad. To tell me to chill when I’m doing too much. God knows as much as I hated when you were right, there were times I needed for you to tell me to shut up and listen and relax. You always knew how to ground me, how to bring me back to reality. That might be one of the things I miss most.

I miss holding your hand. I miss kissing you goodbye in the morning. I miss the “I’ve missed you” hugs when we both got home from work. I know our relationship was far from perfect and we both had a lot to work on, together and individually, but boy you were my person. Mi adorado tormento. You annoyed me more than anyone else in the world, but you also made me the happiest. You knew exactly how to cheer me up when I was down, you listened when I thought you weren’t listening. You knew exactly how to surprise me when I needed it, even if it was just a candy bar. You knew as long as that little detail was accompanied by you, I didn’t care what it was. It was going to make me the happiest girl. I loved knowing that even in the middle of your busy days you thought about me. There was never any doubt in my mind that you loved me. I know I definitely did and I’m not sure how to continue raising these kids without you.

I’m both happy and sad that they didn’t cry at the cemetery. I don’t want them to ever ever ever forget you. I love the way they idolize you. The way they love you unconditionally. I just hope that I do a good enough job on my own. I hope you’re guiding my decisions and helping me navigate this new path I’m on. I know I’m not perfect and I know I fuck up regularly, but I do try my best. I just need to have control over my impulses.   

 I miss you honey bee