Dear Dave,

Today you would have been turning 45, unfortunately you're not physically here for me to celebrate you the way I would want to. You know how I am with birthdays. I think I finally reached the acceptance stage in my grief. Yes, sometimes it reverts to anger or sadness. But for the most part I think I've learned to live with my grief.

Someone once sent me this picture that shows how grief shrinks, so to speak. It was basically explaining that our grief doesn't become smaller, we just learn how to navigate it therefore giving the impression that it's gotten smaller.

I'm not sure where our journey would have taken us in these past 2 yrs but I like to think we would have kept smooth sailing. When I lost you, you finally had given me what I wanted from you. You were consistent, thoughtful, loving, you had essentially and fully learned how to love me the way I needed to be loved. It's a shame it took you like 10 yrs to start but those last 5 years with you were great.

The kids really miss you, but they don't cry as often anymore. My biggest fear is that my littles will forget you because they're so small. You were a great dad, I can't ever take that from you. I hope that you are guiding their movements and decisions so that they walk the right path. You and I had very different parenting styles but one thing we always agreed on was how much we loved these kids. How we only needed them to be themselves. How the only expectation we had for them was to be productive, successful, and kind no matter what they chose to do with their lives.

Yaya has taken over your entire wardrobe. Fits like a glove. I joke that he looks like someone's 40 yr old dad. He has a mustache!! His last haircut they actually had to shave him. He's got this new group of friends I really like. They've turned the garage into a little man cave and hang out every day after school. They taught him how to ride a bike and how to fix them.

Julian is slowly but surely finding his place in the world again. I feel like since you've been gone (Kelly clarkson! Lol) he's been kind of lost and in limbo. He just had an assessment with the therapist and he's made such progress. He also has a great teacher this year, I'm very thankful for him.

Gabby is our little social butterfly, you'd be so freaking proud of who she is. She's so smart and kind and loves school. She played softball in the fall and loved it. She's a Girl Scout, she's incredibly responsible and mature for her age. I just love her energy so much. Thank you for giving her to me, she was literally the missing piece in our little family.

Jasmin is a mess, no surprise there. I'm hoping she'll find a path soon and stick to it. She's becoming more and more independent which I love. I just wish she would focus all of that energy on school. I think she's going to move in with mom full time and stay in NY. It's a little bittersweet, I miss her.

I'm also a mess. I act like I have things together but most of the time it's a fake it til you make it type of thing. I just started a new job Monday, I'm tired of switching jobs so please help me make this one stick. I really liked my last job, sometimes I second guess taking this new one but I keep reminding myself to trust and have faith and expect good things. Idk why I just have this guilt and fear when it comes to the last job.

I know you see what a mess my love life is, most of the time I don't even know what leg I'm standing on. I think I found a good egg though, he just needs a little more time than most.

Last Sunday we went to visit you! We got you all your favorite snacks and left you a little bit of each thing. We don't cry anymore when we visit, but I think that's a good thing. We can spend time with you without feeling broken by the loss. You definitely are missed though, every single day. All I can hope for is that we're making you proud and that you're watching over us and guiding us. Gosh, I'd give anything to see you again, hug you again, talk to you again.

You'll always be my hunny bee 🐝 and I'll always be your buttercream puff lol

I love and miss you infinitely ♾️

Happy 45th birthday 🎉